


My Medicine

by gillianaunofficial



Category: The Fall (TV 2013), The X-Files
Genre: AU, Abuse, Angst, Cutting, F/F, Heart Attacks, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Dom/sub, Mutual Masturbation, Nightmares, Original Character Death(s), Self-harming, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2019-07-03 00:54:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15808014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillianaunofficial/pseuds/gillianaunofficial
Summary: After a severe fight between Stella and her abusive boyfriend, she is sent to hospital where she meets one Dr. Dana Scully. Scared and permanently scarred she starts to go out with Scully. But can the two handle the pressures from each of their personal lives and jobs, only time will tell... *X-Files theme plays*Spotify Playlist -> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/75toHA8qZrnnkmUedNvjVR





	1. Black Water

"Swallowed by a vicious vengeful sea  
Darker days are raining over me  
In the deepest depths I lost myself  
I see myself through someone else" \- Black Water by Of Monsters And Men

He lunged towards her. His fist colliding with her face. She fell to the ground, red bruises blossoming on her pale skin.  
“You are dirt. And nothing more.” Was the last thing Stella heard before everything turned to black.

Sirens awakened Stella from her unconsciousness. A paramedic leaned over her.  
“Whe-”  
“Shh… Don’t speak, you’re going to be okay. I’m Lisa. We’re just taking you to the hospital. It looks like you were in a little trouble. You don’t even need to tell me your name, your neighbour already told us. Stella Gibson right?” Stella nodded.  
“Okay. We’ve administered morphine, which should have stopped, or at least dulled the pain. It’s only going to be a couple of minutes until we reach the hospital, so hold tight ‘til then.”

Stella lay in the hospital bed, staring into space, she’d been assured that there would be a doctor here in a second. Just as she was beginning to doubt that that was in fact true, a woman about Stella’s height, wearing doctor’s scrubs stepped into the cubicle.  
“Hello, Stella. I’m Dr Dana Scully and I am here to help.” Scully smiled at Stella. “We’re going to have to take you for a CT scan and an X-Ray because of the injuries to your head. The paramedic gave you morphine, correct?”  
“Yes.” Stella stared at Scully, a glint in her eye, there was something about Scully that drew Stella to her.  
“You’ll need to get changed out of your clothes into a hospital gown and I’ll need to check you over first.” Stella was used to this routine. In her line of work it wasn’t uncommon to frequent hospitals. This time was different though. This time it was personal. She had no idea how she’d ended up in this situation. Stella had never really been one for relationships and had only had two serious partners. She hadn’t wanted to get hurt by people so she never pursued anything more than a friendship, most of the time not even that. Stella had thought that this time would be different though. That she could actually open up and be happy with someone. He’d seemed nice. He’d seemed like a genuinely good guy. Stella had doubted it at first, (now she was telling herself she should have gone with her gut) but then realised that he truly was. Or at least he presented himself that way. In reality he was a horrible person. It had taken a little less than a month for him to show his true colours. Letting his facade down Stella had found that he was well and truly fucked up. And he took that out on her. Yelling blame and hatred at Stella. Hurting her mentally. Hurting her physically. And she couldn’t get out of it. She’d managed to hide the bruises at work, mostly. She’d had to lie about what had happened. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to leave. She couldn’t even report it to her own police force. Maybe she didn’t want to appear weak. Though the truth was she had always been a private person and didn’t want other people, especially people she knew knowing what was going on in her personal life. Because that was hers and hers only.

Stella sat in the hospital gown, Scully checking her over. It made Scully’s heart hurt, what she’d found. Bruises and scars peppering Stella’s whole body. Some old some new. She’d been told by the paramedics what had happened. She wanted to know how a woman like Stella had ended up in this situation.  
“Turn around.” Scully said. Stella turned and Scully inspected the small cuts on her face. They weren’t that bad but would need to be cleaned and stitched.  
“I’m going to have to stitch the cuts on your face, the others will be fine but will need to be cleaned to stop infection, there might be a little scarring, but it’s unlikely.” Scully surveyed Stella’s face. “You need to tell the police about this, though they will most likely already have been notified by the paramedics. So really I should be saying that you should have told the police.” Stella blinked at Scully.  
“I am the police.” She muttered. Scully had triggered something inside Stella and suddenly all the emotion she had been keeping inside flooded out. Stella started to cry.  
“It’s ok. Hey, you’ll be alright.” Scully’s voice faltered. She could hardly bear it. Watching this woman who she didn’t even know in so much pain was… She didn’t know. Scully reached out and squeezed Stella’s shoulder. If this was in another place in another situation she would have hugged her. She would have held her hands and told her she was going to be fine. But this was her patient and she couldn’t do that.

Stella lay back down in the hospital bed, she’d had her cuts stitched and her CT scan had been fine.  
“We’re going to keep you overnight, for observation just in case anything happens.”  
“Ok.” Stella sighed. She didn’t want to go “home” because he knew were she lived. But she didn’t want to stay here either.  
“It’s nearly the end of my shift so if you wanted someone just to stay with you I could.” Scully had no idea what in living hell she was doing. This wasn’t something that she should be doing because she needed sleep. It was also completely against the patient-doctor rules. It was just something about Stella that made her want to stay.  
“I mean, you’re welcome to stay but I don’t see why.” Stella didn’t know why someone like Scully would want to stay with her. She probably had a husband and kids, a life to live.  
“It’s fine. I’ll stay.” Scully smiled at her. “I wouldn’t want to leave anyone in your circumstances alone.” That part wasn’t entirely true.  
“Ok, but should I call you Dana or “Doctor Scully”?” Stella stared at her.  
“Dana is fine.” Scully laughed a little. She hated that. Constantly being addressed by her last name. Stella stared at Dana, her orange hair framing her face in a perfectly styled bob.  
“What do you do outside of work?” Stella asked, wandering into dangerous territory. “In a stable relationship? Kids? House?” Scully stared at her and started to laugh.  
“If only! I’m not in a relationship, I used to go out with this guy a while ago. Fox Mulder. We didn’t believe in the same things. We knew each other for years but it took a long time to enter in an actual relationship together. But it didn’t work out.” Scully smiled softly. “Sometimes I wish I was still with him but I know it would never work out. We stopped talking about a year ago.” Stella looked at Scully, a forlorn look crossed her face, before she snapped out of it and turned back to Stella.  
“How did you end up in this situation? You don’t have to tell me.”  
“I’ve only been in two serious relationships throughout my whole life. I’ve been with plenty of people though. I met him about six months ago. I thought he was a good guy.” Stella laughed bitterly. “Maybe I’m not as good at reading people as I think I am, Dana.” Scully stared at Stella, past the bruises and cuts, to the real person under there. Fine lines dusted her beautiful features, and her ash blonde hair framed her face like a picture.  
“Stella, it’s not your fault, what happened.”  
“I know, I’ve worked with victims of abuse but you can’t help to think that it is your fault.” Stella sighed, thinking about how she’d ended up stuck in this hell of a relationship.  
“It’s really not. It’s not your fault that you met this guy, or that you fell in love with him.”  
“Fell in love?” Stella paused for a second. “It’s not love. I don’t think it’s ever been love.” Stella smiled softly, pain and memories flashing through her mind of all the things and people she should have loved. A single tear rolled down her cheek.  
“Hey, it’s ok Stella.” Scully reached out and squeezed Stella’s hand. Stella found it strange, this woman who she had never met until that night seemed to care more than anyone else in her life ever had. A feeling shot through Stella’s chest. A feeling of longing. She couldn’t let what was going through her head happen. She wanted to think it wouldn’t matter. She wanted to think she could just go off with someone else and everything would be behind her. What had happened tonight though, that would lead to a case. It would lead to being forced to talk more about it and that was hard, harder than many of the cases she’d worked on throughout her career. For a moment all she could think about was how very wrong this was, but she pushed the thoughts away. But what would one night with her beautiful doctor change? A thought popped into her head. Not just one night, it whispered. Stella ignored it and recomposed herself to her normal demeanour. She took a deep breath and began to speak.  
“This is a more personal question than I’d normally ask anyone, is that ok, Dana?”  
Stella said, trying to ease Scully into the question. Shit. Why was she doing this?  
“Yes.”  
“Have you ever been with a woman?”

Stella stared at her. Dana’s heart caught in her throat. Was this what she thought it was? Was Stella going to flirt with her? Or was she just hoping for too much?  
Quickly she batted those thoughts away. It was probably just…She didn’t know.  
“Yes.” She replied her voice shaking a little, the want for Stella clear. “I have. Twice actually. And honestly, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve felt any attraction to men.” Quite honestly, the response took Stella by surprise, she hadn’t thought that Scully would have… But it meant she had a chance. She actually had a chance with Scully. Stella smiled as she put her hand on top of Scully’s. Thoughts of Stella started to fill Scully’s head and her heart fluttered in her chest. “I can’t, Stella, you’re my patient.” Scully said, a hint of disappointment echoing in her voice.  
“Are you sure about that? These aren’t your working hours,” Stella whispered, turning to Scully, who was still on the edge between logic and want. She had to give in to one side or the other… Want. Not want need. Scully needed this.  
“Ok, but Stella, how are we going to do this, we’re in the middle of a hospital for fucks sake!”  
“We’re going to do this very quietly, that’s how.” She said, her voice just a whisper. Stella ushered Scully onto the bed, she flicked back the mess of her fringe. Stella slid the hospital blanket off her, manoeuvring it under her. Scully was still wearing her Doctor’s scrubs and Stella just her hospital gown. Stella turned and gestured to Scully to undo the back of the gown, so Scully could get full access to Stella’s body. The gown slipped off seamlessly, revealing Stella’s body. She leaned over to Scully and whispered in her ear.  
“I want you to fuck me, Dana, can you do that?” Stella was already dripping wet. Scully nodded silently. She slid her hands over Stella feeling all the curves and contours of her body, Scully was in awe of the beautiful older woman in front of her, Stella’s perfect curves, her perfect tits, her perfect pussy. Scully felt like she was melting, the attraction was like an electric current. Scully’s hands ghosted down Stella’s body, straight to her aching core. She rubbed Stella’s clit and felt Stella shiver underneath her and Stella’s silent gasp against her neck. Scully could feel how wet Stella was. Slowly she slipped a finger in Stella. She dipped in and out, back and forth until she could feel Stella’s body begin to tense. Scully knew Stella was on the edge. She pressed lightly on Stella’s clit with one of her other fingers. It was too much and Scully could feel Stella come on her fingers.


	2. Heal

Take a heart  
And take a hand  
Like an ocean takes the dirty sand  
And heal, heal, hell, heal

Take my mind  
And take my pain  
Like an empty bottle takes the rain  
And heal, heal, hell, heal

And tell me some things last

 

Stella awoke to find that Scully was gone but had left a note on the chair that sat next to the bed, her phone number, a place and a time. Stella smiled to herself.

“How long has this been happening?” Another policeman sat opposite Stella. She had hoped it would have been someone she didn’t know but that was impossible. It had ended up being one of the men a couple of ranks below Stella, Police Sergeant Lewis.  
“A few months.” Stella replied, her voice monotone.  
“Had it been happening for the whole relationship?”  
“No, it was only after the first month.” Stella sighed, she knew this process better than the back of her hand.  
“How long did you know him before you decided to pursue a romantic relationship with him?”  
“Not long, just another month.” Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. The words ate away at Stella.  
“What types of things would he do or say? Would he insult you?” Stella swallowed. She didn’t want to relive this shit, who would?  
“He, uh, he would beat me. Scream things at me, insults, blaming me for things that had gone wrong in his life. Tell me I was… Useless, worthless.” You are. The voice in Stella’s head snapped and she flinched but pushed it away. She hated this. Hated the fact that she had to tell someone she knew about all this. She hated that all this shit was coming back, it had never completely left but now… It was like it had been when she was younger. There was a fear filling her mind that she would be seen differently after all this, she didn’t want people to think she was weak. Even though she wasn’t, but Stella couldn’t see that.  
“Did he ever rape you?”  
“No.”  
“Ok.” He said, scribbling something down on his notepad.  
“How often would these things happen?”  
“It depended on his mood, or if I’d done something he thought was bad.”  
“Did you live with this man?”  
“I don’t, we both have our own places but he would come over, to my house then force me to let him in.”  
“Ok. And what’s this man’s name?” Stella flinched. She actually had to tell this man her boyfriend’s name. Suddenly it felt all too real.  
“Can-could I have a moment?” She said. A moment was all she needed. Just a little time to collect the thoughts filling her mind.  
“Of course.” Stella took a breath and began to think about the situation. This man had put her in hospital. He had fucked with her mind and her life. He had given her scars that would take years to heal. But this… She didn't know. She didn’t want the police to know who it was. What if he came for her again, after the police tried to get him. What if he got out of custody and tried to kill her? It wouldn’t be the first time something like that had happened. She pushed thoughts of the Paul Spector case away. She was the police, she knew that these thoughts were unlikely to ever become reality. Though there was a possibili- No. She couldn’t think that way. Her police were capable. Stella took a breath.  
“Mark Gordon. His name is Mark Gordon.”

Stella sat on the edge of her bath, it was something she did when she needed to feel safe. Her house was big for one person and the bathroom was the only room with a door lock installed, apart from the front and back entrances. She sighed and looked down at her phone, staring at the text she’d sent Scully about half an hour ago. It read: “Hi Dana, it’s Stella and if that offer to go out is still up I will. It will help me take my mind off things. - Stella x.” It had been left unread and she knew Dana probably didn’t have much time to check her phone, after all, being a doctor was a busy job and Stella wasn’t expecting an answer until around lunch time, but still there was the worry at the back of her mind that Scully was ignoring her, blowing her off. Stella’s questioning had been early and hadn’t taken as long as she thought it was going to, starting only at 10:00am and lasting only around 20-30 minutes. It was currently only 11:30am and it was probably going to take around an hour if not even longer for Scully to text her back. She decided to take a bath, even though she couldn’t get her stitches wet they were only on her face so it would be fine. Stella turned the taps on and went to fetch a new towel, as well as bubble bath, one of her favourite luxuries.

Stella sank down in the hot water of her bath, the water soothingly warm against her skin. She inspected the bruises that covered her ribcage. They hurt like hell but she was incredibly lucky that she hadn’t broken anything. There were bruises on her legs, as well, but older ones, that were fading, slowly but surely. She hated it. Hated the sight of her body so damaged and broken. She closed her eyes for a minute, breathing deeply. It was something she’d taken up after the Paul Spector case. A type of easy meditation that you could do anywhere. She breathed in and out a few times, blocking out the household sounds around her, the water in the pipes and the noise of her boiler. The tips of her hair dipped into the bubbles, her legs spread out, submerged under the water. A sharp noise awoke Stella from her trance. She turned to see the screen of her phone, which was sitting on the stool she kept next to the bath, lit up, showing a message. Stella reached for her towel and quickly dried her hands. She unlocked her phone and read the text she’d received, it was from Scully. “Hey, Stella, of course the offer is still up to come out with me. -Dana x.” Relief. On the note Scully had left she’d told Stella to meet her at La Petite Pomme Rouge, or the little red apple in English, at 6. Stella knew exactly the place Dana had told her to meet her and had in fact been there a few times before, though never for a date. Only for the bar. It was a nice little restaurant though. She replied with a quick “Ok I’ll see you later. -Stella x.” and then set her phone back down again. Stella began to wash herself, she did it slowly, careful not to aggravate her injuries. She ran the soap over her bruises, imagining that they were disappearing, along with the mental and physical pain. For a moment she saw bare and perfect skin then snapped back to reality. If only it were that easy, she thought. If you could just wash away pain and everything that comes along with it, with a simple bar of soap. Stella didn’t know why she was going out. It didn’t seem like something someone who’d just gotten out of her situation would do. It was something else though, something different to her normal coping mechanisms. Though this was a little different to the things she normally had to cope with. Would it be a good idea? She wasn’t sure. Stella pondered the thought for a moment then sighed and yanked out the bath plug.

Scully looked into her mirror, and adjusted her makeup. Her eyeshadow looked great, a perfect spectrum of neutral browns and golds. For once she was actually happy with it. She decided against putting on lipstick as she knew it would just come straight off when she ate. Scully looked at herself in the mirror. She wore a figure hugging dark red dress and the golden cross necklace she had gotten for Christmas when she was young, which hung just above the neckline of the dress. What was she doing? Going on a date with this woman who she’d only met the day before? This woman who had only just gotten away from an abusive relationship? This woman that was her patient? Maybe subconsciously she just wanted to protect Stella; maybe it wasn’t attraction?  
“Goddamnit it, Dana Katherine Scully, stop questioning yourself!” She said out loud. A smile crept onto her face. “I’m going on a date…” She muttered. Something about it made her laugh. She shook her head and picked up her leather jacket and her purse and left.

 

Stella sipped on a glass of water, the restaurant was quiet and she stared across at the bar, craving a drink but she knew she should wait. She also knew that she probably shouldn’t mix alcohol with painkillers and if she did, what would Scully say? Stella didn’t exactly fit in with the other people there. Even though she’d only been there for a few minutes, she’d already seen at least four people staring at the cuts and bruises on her face. Though quite frankly she didn’t give a damn about what they thought of her. Why would anyone? The thought of “middle aged conservative dickheads” crossed her mind. Stella checked the time on her phone; 18:03. Hopefully Scully would be here soon. It only took a couple more minutes for her to arrive. She came through the door, the bell ringing and an air of regality following her, catching Stella’s eye and taking her breath away. Scully looked absolutely stunning.  
“Hello.” She said, taking the seat opposite Stella.  
“Hi.” Stella smiled and looked down. She didn’t know what to say. Dates had never been something she’d done.  
“You look beautiful tonight, Stella.” Dana said, straight to the point, staring into Stella’s eyes.  
“You too.” Awkwardness consumed Stella. She would have to own up that she’d never done this before. “You know, Dana, I need to admit something.”  
“What?” Dana tilted her head.  
“I don’t know what to do on a date.” Stella swallowed. “I’ve never really been on one, let alone one to a fancy restaurant.” Stella was blushing, something unheard of.  
“Stella?”  
“Yes?”  
“I’ve never really been on dates either, and when I have they’ve been a total failure. I normally just kind of well… In one case, Fox Mulder’s, I told you about him yesterday, didn’t I? We waited seven years to actually get together, no dates or anything.”  
“Jesus Christ! That’s a lot of foreplay!” Stella remarked, and Scully laughed a little, Stella thought it was a sweet laugh, a little harsh but in a nice way.  
“Yeah, I know right. I could never do that again, everything kind of went downhill after we actually got together though…” A little sadness crept into Dana’s voice. “Anyway...” There was a moment of silence then awkward small talk, until the waiter came with two menus and asked for their drink orders.  
“A glass of Sauvignon blanc, if that’s ok. Stella?”  
“The same.” She said shortly. Scully glared across at Stella, but the waiter had gone before she had the chance to change Stella’s mind.  
“You aren’t meant to mix alcohol and painkillers.” She said. Stella bit her lip.  
“I know. But it’s only for tonight. It’s not like I haven’t done it before anyway, and I’m fine.” Scully shook her head.  
“The painkillers are strong.” Stella sighed and a heavy feeling shot through her chest, she had hoped that she could get away from yesterday, just for a night, at least. “Stella, hey.” Scully reached across the table and held Stella’s hand. “Sorry.” Stella smiled a little, she hadn’t been expecting an apology. A couple of moments later, the waiter came back with their drinks.  
“Have you decided what you would like to eat?” Stella was about to say her order when she caught someone out of the side of her eye. Her heart stopped in her chest. Panic consumed her. She stood up pushing her chair away. She’d seen a man. Tall. Imposing. Dark hair.  
“I’m sorry.” Stella stuttered, grabbing her handbag and jacket out from under her seat. “I have to go.” The sound of Stella’s heels against the hardwood floor rang out. She wanted out of the restaurant as fast as possible, she was nearly at the exit when she tripped up and the whole restaurant fell silent. Stella’s head hung in shame, her hair covering her face and her ankle in pain, having twisted it as she fell. Stella felt the eyes of fifty people trained on her. She felt as though she couldn’t breath, gasping for air she tried to push herself up but found herself too disorientated to do so. Scully rose from her seat, grabbing her stuff and rushing over to Stella. She grabbed her hand and pulled stella up, who was shaking in her arms.  
“Hey, hey, it’s ok. It’s gonna be alright.” Scully whispered to Stella, the restaurant was slowly losing interest in what was going on and returning to it’s normal noise level.  
“Can we go outside, please?” Stella whispered back, still trying to catch her breath but managing to get out a few words. Scully nodded and led Stella out. They hadn’t paid for the drinks.

The two walked a little down the road, Scully knew there was a little park nearby and figured that would probably a good place to just sit with Stella until she calmed down. It was only a two minute walk until Scully found the park and they sat down on two swings. It took just another two minutes for Stella to stop panicking. Scully laced her fingers into Stella’s. Stella’s other hand clasped the cold metal of the chain holding up the swing. She hadn’t sat on one in years. Not since she was a little kid with her Father pushing her.  
“Are you gonna tell me what happened there, or do you need another minute?” Scully said calmly, the gentle creaks of the swings overlapping her words.  
“I thought I saw him. I know I didn’t but everything was just so sudden and so suffocating, even though I knew it wasn’t him I saw a man and he vaguely fit the same description so I thought it was him. I should know better.” She paused, trying to suppress tears that needed to fall. Everything was so strange. She was sitting on some swings in some old park, holding hands with a woman she’d met the day before, after escaping an abusive relationship.  
“It’s ok. I understand.” Scully squeezed Stella’s hand. “Did you get hurt when you fell?”  
“I twisted my ankle, but it’s fine now.” The pain in her ankle countered what she said. Tiredness was beginning to overwhelm Stella and she yawned and leaned back on the swing, letting herself swing a little.  
“Do you want me to take you home?”  
“Please.” Stella whispered, surprised at her response. But honestly, Stella had been surprised with all the things she’d done in the last two days.

Stella stood outside the entrance to her house, hand still entwined in Scully’s. She didn’t want her to leave, she wanted her to stay right there with her, and keep her safe. Stella had never been one to think like that, normally she’d be the one keeping others safe. Invite her in. A voice whispered in Stella’s mind, so she turned to Scully.  
“Dana, I’ve ruined tonight but do you want to come in?”  
“I’d love to.” She smiled in the setting sun, the light making her look even more beautiful. “And Stella?”  
“Yes?”  
“You haven’t ruined my night at all.” Scully kissed Stella in the setting sun.


	3. 100 Years

A hundred arms, a hundred years, you can always find me here  
And lord, don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly  
Give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly  
I let him sleep, and as he does  
My held breath fills the room with blood  
Hurts in ways I can't describe  
My heart bends and breaks so many, many times  
And is born again with each sunrise  
And is born again with each sunrise

Stella took two glasses and poured a glass of wine for Scully and some water for herself. She went through to her living room, to find Scully looking at the photos on her wall. She set the glasses down on her coffee table.  
“Hey.” Stella said, standing behind Scully and snaking her arms around Scully’s waist.  
“Hey.” Scully replied. “Who is that?” She said pointing to a photo on the wall of a young Stella standing next to a man.  
“That was my Dad.” Stella sighed. “He died a long time ago.”  
“I’m sorry. My Father died a long time ago too, he was in the Navy.”  
“US Navy, I’m guessing? You have an accent.” Scully turned around.  
“It’s been a while since anyone mentioned my accent. I thought it had mostly gone.”  
“No.” She said, taking Scully’s hand and leading her to the sofa. She flinched as she put weight on her ankle.  
“Stella, can I check that your ankle’s ok? I want to know if it’s really ok.”  
“It’s fine. Dana. I’m fine.”  
“Please? I just wanna make sure it’s ok.” Scully stared at Stella, a tired look on her face.  
“Fine.” Stella said, giving in and taking off her heels. She put her leg on the sofa, exposing her ankle. Scully began to press on various places of Stella’s ankle.  
“Does that hurt?”  
“No.” Stella said, flinching. “Yes.”  
“Ok how much on a scale of 1-10 does it hurt?”  
“Give me a more specific scale.”  
“Ok, 1 being walking into a blunt object, 5 being a bee or wasp sting and 10 being childbirth.”  
“Hm… about a two or three.”  
“Ok, you’ll need an ice pack or something like that. You have a freezer?”  
“Yes, bottom of the fridge, there should be ice in there.”

A couple of minutes later Scully came back, ice pack wrapped in a towel in hand.  
“Ok, so just press it where it hurts. It will reduce the inflammation.” She handed Stella the ice pack.

“It’s getting late, I should go. I’ll call a cab.”  
“Are you sure? It would be easier to stay the night here. How far away do you live?”  
“About five miles, but you don’t really want me to stay and I don’t have any other clothes with me.”  
“I do want you here, Dana. If I didn’t you wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have gone out with you or invited you in if I didn’t want to. And anyway, on the clothes front, we’re probably about the same size.”  
“Ok.” Scully paused for a second. “Thank you.”  
“It’s no trouble.” Stella replied. She wanted the company. It made her feel safer. Stella took Scully’s hand and led her up the stairs to the bedroom.

“Stella, what should I wear?” Scully said, as she looked through Stella’s wardrobe.  
“A T-shirt? Whatever you want. I don’t mind.” Scully leaned down to take a tshirt when she noticed something behind the pile of them, sitting in a box, the lid fallen off.  
“Stella?”  
“What?”  
“You put your vibrator in the wardrobe?”  
“Oh Jesus! I forgot I put that there.” Stella wasn’t embarrassed though, she didn’t care that Scully had found it, just a little surprised. A smile crept onto her face.  
“How about tomorrow morning, since it’s the weekend, how about we try a little something out with that, Stella?”  
“If I weren’t so tired I would fuck you with that thing right here and now.” Stella mumbled a sleepy reply. She was starting to get a little wet at the fantasy of fucking Scully with her vibrator. Scully stood up and abandoned her wardrobe search, taking a t-shirt, leaving the vibrator, she walked across to Stella, who was sitting on the bed in just a t-shirt and a pair of panties.  
“Unzip my dress?” Scully asked.  
“Of course.” Stella replied, she slid out of bed and stood behind Scully and slowly pulled down the zipper, letting her dress fall to the floor and pool around her feet. Scully wasn’t wearing anything except for a pair of black lace panties and the necklace that always hung around her neck. She pulled on the t-shirt she had picked out, messing her hair up as she did so. She got into bed next to Stella and wrapped her arms around her. Stella flicked off her bedside lamp and they sunk into darkness. Stella felt Scully’s arms around her and softened into the protective embrace. Then it occurred to Stella, in all her life no one had ever spooned her. Whenever she was sleeping in the same bed as someone they were very much apart, not like her and Scully. She nestled even more into Scully’s arms. She could feel Scully’s warm breath on the back of her neck. It was soothing. The sensation. Everything. She sighed contently and drifted to sleep. The day had brought a lot of firsts.

Darkness. A man stood over an open coffin. Stella tried to speak but the words couldn’t come out. She reached her arm out. The man disappeared. She walked over to where he had stood and looked it the coffin. Her body, battered and bruised but definitely her lay there, in a white lace dress. The body’s head twisted and it’s eyes burst open.  
“You can never forget. Never escape.” The body uttered, it’s voice distorted and inhuman.

Stella woke up in a cold sweat. Quietly she slid open her bedside table’s drawer and took out her dream journal and a pen. She began to write. Darkness. Disappearance. My own battered body. The digital clock read 03:02. Not even morning yet. It was the dead hours. That’s what she liked to call the time from around 2:30am to 4:30am. She called it that because it was rare to see or hear people. It was the time where it seemed that the whole world was asleep. She liked that time of night. Though she was always consumed by the feeling that she was being watched. Stella couldn’t get back to sleep. She tiptoed out of bed and went downstairs to the toilet and to get a glass of water. She stood silently in the kitchen. One light was on. She leant against the cool kitchen counter and sipped her water. After a little while she heard quiet footsteps coming down the stairs. Scully appeared in the kitchen and walked over to her.  
“Hey.” Scully said, sleep still clear in her voice. “What are you doing?”  
“I had a nightmare.” Stella replied and took another sip of water.  
“Is that a common thing?”  
“Sadly, yes. I keep a dream journal. I trained myself to wake up after nightmares so I could write down what happened.” Stella set the empty glass down on the counter.

Stella was awakened again, this time by the soft morning light seeping through the gaps of her bedroom curtains. 08:08. She looked at Scully’s sleeping form. How her hair fell around her face and how her face was frozen in a serene expression. She was beautiful. Stella pulled herself out of bed and went downstairs to make breakfast. She poured two bowls of cereal and started to make toast in the grill when Scully appeared.  
“You made me breakfast?” She asked playfully.  
“Of course.” Stella smiled and kissed her. “I need to take the toast out before I burn the house down though, so give me two seconds. Coffee?” Scully stepped back and sat down at Stella’s dining table. Toast had never smelt better.

They finished the last dregs of coffee and went back upstairs.  
“So how about we try out that vibrator now?”

They lay on the bed, in post-orgasmic bliss. Their hair tangled and holding hands.  
“Stella?”  
“Yes?” She yawned.  
“How old were you when you did that?” Scully was stumbling into uncharted territory.  
“Did what?” Stella tensed.  
“The self harm.” She said gesturing to Stella’s thighs.  
“Oh.” The only other person she’d talked about that with was Katie from the Paul Spector case. She hesitated. “I started when I was 14. I stopped at 18. They’re on the soles of my feet too.  
“Painful.” Scully replied. She had to admit she was a little shocked, she would never have thought.  
“Yes. I was stupid. I was a stupid kid. There were so many things that could have gone wrong. I could have cut too deep, forgotten to clean the wound… Anything.”  
“Well you didn’t.”  
“No, I didn’t.”  
“It’s not stupid Stella. A lot of people self harm. In fact the figures in the UK alone have risen a lot in recent years. It’s crazy the amount of people that actually do it. It’s seriously bad. It’s a sign of not being able to deal with your situation or crippling insecurity. In a lot of cases it’s a combination of both.”  
“I know. It doesn’t change what I did though.” Scully brushed the back of Stella’s hand with her thumb.  
“It doesn’t represent who you are now. In the end they’re just scars. Scars just show you the past and however painful that past was it probably made you a stronger person in the end.”  
“I know you’re right.” Stella sighed. “I wish life wasn’t so hard for some but so blissfully easy for others.”


	4. Under The Water

Under the water we can't breathe, we can't breathe  
Under the water we die  
Under the water there is no one watching  
Under the water we are alone

Then why do we jump in?  
Why do we jump in?  
Under the water we die

So many souls, that lost control  
Where did they fall?  
Into the deep, what do they seek?  
Where did they fall?

Monday. Stella had to go back to work. As she walked to her office an officer came up to her.  
“Are you doing ok, Ma’am?” He said, his voice hushed.  
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” A little annoyance was audible in her voice.  
“No reason, Ma’am.” The officer replied quickly.  
“Good.” Stella left the officer staring after her and shut herself in her office. Privacy. She sat down, taking off her coat and switching on her clunky, old desktop computer. She looked through her many emails, nothing much of importance.

Stella sat in her chair, eating her lunch and sipping a cup of bitter black coffee when her phone rang.  
“Gibson speaking.”  
“There’s been an attack.” The voice was scared. Stella nearly spilled the remainder of her coffee as she set it down on her desk.  
“What kind of an attack? Terrorism?” Shit, shit, shit.   
“We don’t know, but we want you out here.”

 

Stella sat in a police car, the sirens blaring and another officer driving. They were completely silent. The car stopped abruptly, jolting Stella forward and the two got out. The first thing Stella saw was a dead man, a few metres in front of the car. The body looked pale, drained of blood. He’d been stabbed. Ambulances had appeared on scene, carrying paramedics and doctors. Stella had never seen anything like it. A man wearing Met uniform came up to her.  
“We don’t know what happened or what provoked this attack. From the witnesses we’ve gathered the perpetrator was walking along the street in a crowd of people when he took out a knife. He killed three, including himself. We’re not sure if it’s terrorism or something else.”  
“Ok. What do you want me to do? This isn’t my division.” Stella said, what was the point of them calling her out?  
“Well in the off chance that this guy isn’t a terrorist we need you on this case, Gibson.”   
“But he killed himself, there’s nothing to find out.”  
“We’re thinking about why he did it and the possibility that it’s part of something bigger.”  
Stella nodded and turned her back on the man, she surveyed the scene. She watched the body she had seen be zipped into a body bag and taken away. Stella thought of Reed. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a flash of red hair. She weaved her way through officers and witnesses that were being asked questions.  
“Dana?” Stella smiled and looked at Scully who was cleaning and bandaging the cut on a man’s arm.  
“Stella?” She said looking up from the man’s cut.  
“Why are you here, Dana?” Stella said.  
“Well, the police wanted some doctors out here as well as paramedics, they only have limited medical knowledge, so if there’s a situation like this they need more medical professionals on the scene because it’s possible for a lot of people to be hurt and have different injuries.” Scully said, before telling the man whose cut she had been tending to that he could go.  
“Right, well. I should probably go too, now, do some work. I’ll see you later, Dana.”  
“Ok, see you later.” Scully smiled and Stella walked away.

“Do we have any information on this man yet?” Stella asked the room. “Do we know his name, his job? Anything?”  
“Well, we need to take his fingerprints, and see if they’re in the system.” An officer named Wilson said.  
“Why hasn’t that already been done? We can’t waste time on this case. Three people died today. That’s not okay.” Wilson nodded and sat down.  
“So what do we need to do now?” Stella said.  
“Take his fingerprints.” Wilson replied.  
“Yes. Now, all of you, get back to work. Wilson come and speak to me.” Stella turned and walked away, Wilson in tow.

“Close the door.” Stella looked at Wilson.  
“Ok.” She replied quietly and pushed the door shut. She sat down in the seat opposite Stella and looked around the office.  
“Wilson.” Stella said, drawing her attention back to Stella.  
“Yes?” She said, it was like being in the headteacher’s office in primary school after getting in trouble.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Excuse me, Gibson, but what did you say?” Wilson had not expected that.  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” Stella said.  
“Oh, no, no. that’s ok, Gibson. Really. I know there’s stuff going on in your li-” Wilson trailed off as Stella fixed her with an icy glare.  
“What is happening in my personal life is none of anybody outside my personal life’s business. I suggest that you don’t bring it up again and if anyone brings it up behind my back I would like you to report it to me. Is that ok, Wilson?” This was what Stella was afraid of.  
“Of course, Ma’am. I will. Is there anything else you wanted?” Wilson was anxious to leave Stella’s office.  
“Yes. If there’s any developments in the case I want you to notify me. You can head this case, unless you have a problem with that?”  
“Yes, okay! I can do that.”  
“There won’t be any problems?”  
“No, no, it’s really fine!”  
“Ok, that is all, you can get back to work now.” Wilson left and Stella leaned back in her chair. She couldn’t be dealing with all this stuff right now.

After a long, long day, Scully could finally shed her Doctor’s scrubs and leave the hospital. It was the end of summer and it was raining. The horrible kind of summer rain that soaked everyone and everything. Scully half ran through the car park, trying to get wet as little as possible. When she reached her car, despite only being outside for a few minutes her clothes were nearly soaked through and her wet hair stuck to her face. She put the air conditioning on in the car and switched the radio on.  
“So, Karen! Looks like some summer rain, later on in the evening, around 9 PM, the rain will stop and the peak tonight will be 11 degrees.” Scully sighed and turned her key in the ignition and began to drive the journey home.

“Hello, Dana.” A voice crackled in the reciever.  
“Stella?”  
“Yes. It is. Could I come over?” Stella sighed, the day had been hell and she needed Scully with her, someone to talk to, to be with.  
“You don’t know where I live. It’s late.”  
“Oh, okay then,” Stella’s voice faltered. “If you really don’t want me to come over it’s fine.” Scully could here the smallest hint of sadness in Stella’s voice.  
“You know what? Come over, I could use the company.” A smile flickered across Stella’s face. But guilt crept into her mind too. “I live at 67 Regent Street, on the second floor of the building, flat 7. It’s the next street along from Court street, and the last building on the corner.”  
“Okay, I’ll see you later Dana.” 

15 minutes Stella parked her car on Regent Street. By then it was dark outside and the street lights glowed orange, reflecting off the wet tarmac. The rain had stopped. It took Stella a minute to find Scully’s apartment building. The front door wasn’t open. Fuck, Stella thought. What number did she say she was? 9? No. 4? No that wasn’t right either. 7? Yes. Seven, that was it. Stella pressed the number 7 buzzer for a few seconds before it buzzed back and allowed her to enter the stairwell. She ascended the three flights of stairs to the second floor. The lights weren’t working. She knocked on the green door that read 7. A moment later the door opened and Scully appeared wearing an old tshirt and some stained sweatpants.  
“Hey, Stella. Come in.” Scully smiled and yawned. Stella shut the door behind her. She followed Scully through to the living room. Two sofas, one black leather and the other one red canvas material, drew Stella’s eye. Scully sat down on the canvas sofa and Stella sat down next to her, removing her coat.  
“Where should I put this?”  
“There’s a coat hook on the back of my bedroom door. I can put it away for you.”  
“Ok, thank you.” Stella handed Scully her coat. She left the room and Stella looked around a little. There was a bookshelf filled with books on all different topics, fiction and non fiction. One of the compartments of the bookshelf was filled with older, more worn looking books. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, War and Peace, Moby Dick. She pulled out the copy of Moby Dick, it was old and the binding looked as though it was a couple of marks away from falling apart. Stella opened the book, carefully, making sure not to damage it, it was an edition from the 50s. Stella placed it back in the bookshelf just as Scully appeared back from the bedroom.  
“Hey, Whattcha looking at?”  
“Moby Dick. That copy is old it’ll be worth a bit of money.”  
“No, it’s not, and I would never sell it.” She smiled and kissed Stella.  
“How come?”   
“My Dad used to read it to me when I was little, he bought it for my big brother, Bill, but Bill didn’t like it. He thought it was boring. My Dad, he called me Starbuck. He was Ahab. I used to have a dog, a little Pomeranian, I called him Queequeg.”  
“That’s nice.” Stella yawned and sat back down on the canvas sofa.  
“What was it that you wanted, Stella?” Scully smiled, she was tired and it hadn’t been her plan for anyone to be there that night but really it was fine. It was Stella.  
“I think…” Stella paused. “Today has really been something. The attack, people at work asking about that.” She emphasized that. “It’s too much and at home I’m alone, I feel like he could come to my house, he could kill me, fuck me up worse than already and I’d be completely powerless.” Stella shook her head a little. “I wouldn’t normally admit it, but I’m scared. I’m scared of him, I’m scared of being attacked, I’m just terrified. Of everything.I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m on the edge of giving in again. I can’t do that. That can’t happen. I can’t put my career, my relationships, in danger because of this huge pile of metaphorical shit.” Her eyes shon with tears that began to slide down her cheeks, leaving wet trails and red eyes in their wake. Scully took Stella’s hands in hers.  
“You’re okay, Stella. You’re okay.” Scully smiled, struggling not to cry too. “Everything’s gonna be alright.”


	5. Bad Dream

Feels like I'm frozen  
Nowhere to run  
Nowhere to run, from here  
These walls are closing  
Closing me in  
Wearing me thin, with fear

Wake me up  
Won't you wake me up  
Caught in a bad dream

Stella stayed the night at Scully’s. She couldn’t sleep, so instead listened to the rain that had started again, beating against the bedroom window. Scully’s small form lay asleep, clinging to Stella’s arm. Stella’s mind was surprisingly quiet. Her only thoughts were about Scully. Yet still, she couldn’t sleep. There was a feeling of foreboding that hung in the air, it consumed Stella. She looked over at Scully. She could hardly make her out in the dark, the only source of light being the streetlights outside. A while later, Stella finally fell asleep, still thinking of Scully. 

She was falling in love.

She was lying with Scully. Holding hands, their eyes locked and staring lovingly. Scully began to speak.  
“Why would anyone ever love you. You’re worthless.” Her voice was sickly sweet, her words smooth like honey. “You’re useless. Nobody wants you.” Her hand was wrapped around Stella’s wrist, in an iron grip that Stella just couldn’t writhe out of however much she tried. “Everybody hates you.” The words stopped and Stella woke up in a cold sweat. She turned to look at Scully. Sleeping. Normally. No insults coming from her. It was fine. Stella comforted herself and held Scully closer as she drifted back to sleep.

 

When the night met the day it was 6 am. Scully was awoken by the soft morning light and looked over to see Stella still sleeping soundly, her ashen blonde hair splayed like a halo on her pillow. She was beautiful. Scully lay there for a long time, just watching Stella and thinking. She finally got up and went to the bathroom.

Scully looked at herself in the mirror, she was still wearing the stained sweats and tshirt from the night before, what little was left of her makeup was smeared across her face. Fuck. It was Tuesday. She had work in a couple of hours and Stella did too. She took a quick shower and went to wake Stella.  
“Stella, Stella.” Scully shook her a little, trying to wake her. “It’s Tuesday, we have work.” Stella groggily raised her head.  
“Oh fuck. It is isn’t it.”  
“You need to go, we can’t be late.” Scully yanked the doors of her wardrobe open and grabbed some clothes.  
“Oh God…” Stella said, sitting up. Her head was swimming, even though she hadn’t drunk anything the night before. “I have my clothes from yesterday here, there’s no point in me going home, that’ll just take another 15 minutes from the day.”  
“But they’re your yesterday clothes.” Scully turned to Stella, she thought Stella would care more about her appearance.  
“Don’t look at me like that. I sleep overnight at work sometimes.”  
“Okay then, well. My shift starts at 8:30 so that’s what? An hour?” Scully glanced at the digital clock on her bedside table. 07:17. “When do you need to be into work, Stella?”  
“8:45.”  
“Okay. I have enough time to make some breakfast and you,” Scully said, leaning down to kiss Stella, “you should probably take a shower.”

20 minutes later Stella emerged from the bathroom, dressed for work and donning a towel around her hair. She found Scully sitting at her small kitchen table, a plate of toast and a cup of coffee in front of her and the same at the empty place on the table. Scully smiled and looked over at the place. Stella sat down and took a sip of her coffee. Too hot. She quickly put it back down.  
“Dana, you didn’t have to do this, I could have picked something up on the way to work.” Stella spread butter on her toast, the knife making a scraping sound against the bread.  
“No, it’s fine. I needed to eat, you needed to eat, breakfast may not really be the most important meal of the day but it’s still good to eat something in the morning,” Scully took a bite of her toast. “Anyway, I only had four slices of bread left anyway so… You know?” Scully internally cringed. She was talking about fucking bread to her girlfriend. Girlfriend. Scully’s mind stopped on the thought. They finished breakfast in comfortable silence. Scully was the first to rise from the table and went to finish getting ready. Stella deposited her towel back in the bathroom and brushed her hair through with a hairbrush that Scully had allowed her to use. She looked in the mirror and sighed. Her hair was still a mess and her face looked more tired and bruised than the previous day. The bruises where mostly shades of vivid purple, after all, it had only been a few days since it happened. Stella touched one of the bruises near her left eye. She pressed on it a little. Still pretty damn painful. She turned away from the mirror and found Scully putting her shoes on in the hall.  
“You ready to go?” Scully said.  
“Yes.” Stella felt her pockets. Keys. Car Keys. Phone.  
“Ok, gimme two seconds.” Scully finished pulling her shoes on. She got up and picked her bag up and unlocked the door, they went down the stairwell together. Just before Stella got to her car, Scully leaned over to her and kissed her softly on the lips. A pink blush spread across Stella’s cheeks.  
“Sorry, I’ve wanted to do that all morning.” Scully smiled and turned away to go to her own car.  
“Have a good day, Stell.” She called out.

Scully drove through the busy streets until she reached the hospital. She’d been different in the days since she’d met Stella. Happier. Just different... She wasn’t sure. She hopped out of her car into the car park. It was grey and drizzling. Great weather. Too warm though. Thunder, she thought. It’ll thunder tonight. Scully walked inside and went to put on her Doctor’s scrubs. Her first patient of the day was an elderly man named Samuel complaining of pain in his chest.  
“What does the pain feel like?” She asked him. He was pale and smelled strongly of cigarettes.  
“Pain. Painful.” He grunted at her. She avoided the urge to roll her eyes.  
“Do you have any pre-existing medical conditions?” He didn’t answer her but instead stared at her. She repeated herself.  
“Do you have any pre-existing medical conditions?” She tapped her pen against her thigh.  
“I’m on… what do you call them? Oh yes… ACE Inhibitors and…” He stopped for a minute. “And Aspirin…”  
“That wasn’t my question but, I’m guessing that you have a form of Heart Disease?” She stared back at him and very slowly he replied.  
“Yes… But the Doctors they say... CAD, something... something disease…”  
“Coronary Artery Disease.”  
“Ah yes.”  
“Ok well, your pulse,” Scully looked at the heart monitor next to his bed. Not too high. “It looks okay but we should probably check your blood pressure.” Scully left him for a minute to find a sphygmomanometer to check his blood pressure. When she came back he looked more in pain than before. His heart rate had shot up. Shit. Scully ran across to him and put the sphygmomanometer down on a chair.  
“I need help in here!” She yelled. “I have a man having a heart attack in here! I NEED to get him to resus!” Samuel wasn’t looking so good. Scully yelled out again and swore quietly to herself. Just then a nurse and a porter appeared.  
“Ok, this is Samuel Whittaker, 75, complained of chest pain and is now having what is probably a heart attack.”

“Clear? 1,2,3” Scully brought the defibrillator down on Samuel’s chest for the second time. Still no pulse. His pulse had gone as they had entered the resus area.  
“Ok…” Scully sighed. “Clear? 1,2,3.” Three times. Nothing.

Four times. Nothing.

Five times. Nothing.

 

“Doctor Scully, please stop.” A voice cut through into Scully’s mind. “He’s not coming back.”  
“But…”  
“Doctor Scully. We have to know when to stop. I’m sorry.”  
“No…” Scully stepped back from the body of Samuel Whittaker, her vision blurring with tears.  
“Time of death 9:12 AM.”

Scully leaned against the outside wall, teary and red-eyed. The one thing she couldn’t deal with in this job was the death. She was there to help people but she failed them. The lives saved felt amazing but the deaths… They stayed, they clung to her like chains, binding her. They were people she didn’t know but it hurt. Of course not nearly as much as losing someone close to her but that person’s life had been in her hands. Scully thought about texting Stella. She sniffed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. She had to go back in there. Do her job.

Stella yawned. There was a knock at her door.  
“Yes?” Wilson’s head popped around the door.  
“There’s been a development.”  
“What? Sit down.” Wilson walked across the room and sat down.  
“We know who the killer is.” She paused. “A man named Jeremy Hughes. His family have been notified. He had a wife, Anna, three children, Bonnie, James and Helena. His victims are still yet to be identified. Nobody has come forward.”  
“Okay, get to that and also get his wife in for questioning.” Wilson looked at Stella with an edge of apprehension. “She may have been part of the plan if there was any plan or she may have other important information. Also try and get a hold of his criminal record, things like that.”  
“Of course, is there anything else I should do?”  
“No that’s alright, goodbye.” Stella nodded and Wilson nodded back before leaving. Stella shook her head. She couldn’t believe these men who have families, kids and then go out and murder people. She thought about Paul Spector, he destroyed his family, his wife miscarried and tried to kill herself and her kids. That’s what happens to your family when you come out as a murder. At least this man, Jeremy Hughes, was dead. He couldn’t do anyone else any physical harm. Thoughts of Mark wandered into her mind. She shivered and pushed them away.  
“Keep it together, Gibson.” Her faint words wobbled.


	6. Delicate

Is it cool that I said all that?  
Is it chill that you're in my head?  
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)  
Is it cool that I said all that  
Is it too soon to do this yet?  
'Cause I know that it's delicate  
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?  
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?  
Delicate

“Hey, Stella.” Stella looked up to find Scully, her face still tear stained and her eyes red, ginger hair a mess.  
“Dana? Are you okay?” She reached for her arm, her words were urgent. They’d arranged to meet up for coffee after work. Scully sat down and was silent until Stella reached out to hold her hand. She started, her voice wobbling.  
“One of my patients… He died. We tried to bring him back… It wouldn’t work. He was old.” She stopped and Stella moved to sit next to her, they were in a booth. Stella put an arm around her, holding her close.  
“Dana I’m so sorry.”  
“It’s okay… I just… I don’t know it doesn’t normally affect me that much.” Stella hugged her closer but she drew away as a waitress approached.  
“Two cappuccinos, thank you, that’s all.” Stella said quickly, the waitress nodded and walked away again. Stella wound Scully’s hand into hers.  
“It’s okay, Dana. People die, it happens I know it’s hard. I know it was your responsibility but it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.”  
“He had a heart attack, Stella. If I’d been faster, if I hadn’t left him. I needed to check his blood pressure so I left to look for the thing that measures it… I came back and…” She trailed off, her voice cracking.  
“No, you were doing your job, you went to get something that would help you find out what was wrong with him.” They sat in silence, Stella brushing the back of Scully’s hand with her thumb. The waitress came back and put the two cappuccinos down before leaving again.  
“I’m sorry Stella… I haven’t even asked about your day.” Scully sniffed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand.  
“That’s okay.” Stella sipped her cappuccino. Scully smiled softly. Even just in this moment Stella was beautiful. The fluorescent cafe lights, illuminating her features. The curve of her nose. The soft pink of her lips against her cup. Even her bruises were beautiful in some sick way, the colours in stark contrast to her pale skin. Scully averted her gaze to take a drink from her own coffee. She felt warmer inside. Some of the guilt from the day washed away by Stella’s words. The hurt still there but lessened. She set the coffee cup down. Stella turned to her and laughed a little.  
“What?” Scully smiled at the laugh.  
“You have a little…” Stella reached out to wipe Scully’s face, she dragged the back of her finger across Scully’s top lip.  
“Cappuccino foam on your face.” She said, drawing away again and sucking the foam off her finger.  
“Oh my god.” She was embarrassed but… There was something else too. A deep hunger, a yearning for Stella. Love.  
“That’s okay.” Stella smiled at Scully’s facial expression. Her mouth hung open slightly and her eyes wide, a pink blush creeping up her cheeks. She had the sudden urge to kiss her. Stella leaned in closer to Scully, tilting her head, before she felt Scully’s lips on hers. Soft pressure. Coffee breath. A warmth spreading through both of them. Slowly they drew apart. The taste of each other lingering on in both of their mouths. Scully searched Stella’s eyes. They had been tired but now they were shining, alive. Like a dying flame being reignited. This was different than all the times before. It didn’t matter that it was in public. This was truly the beginning. This wasn’t nothing. This was special. This was different.

They walked out of the cafe hand in hand. The evening air cool, the ground still damp from the rain, though it had stopped a few hours ago. It wasn’t quite dark yet. The sky was lightly tinged orange, streaks of clouds across the sky. Stella hadn’t driven to the cafe, she’d walked so she didn’t need to worry about her car, she’d left it outside her house as she’d had just enough time to get home and to the cafe, it was only a few streets over.  
“Dana, do you want to stay with me tonight?” Stella’s voice was quiet but warm one of the only sounds in the somewhat deserted street.  
“Of course.” She replied. “But we’ll have to take my car.” Stella nodded and they made their way across the street, hands still intertwined. Scully started the car and the radio switched on. Just adverts.  
“So how do we get to your house?”  
“You don’t need GPS, it’s not far away, just a couple of streets, you’ll find it easy enough. You have been there before, after all. I can tell you where to turn.” Scully nodded and buckled her seatbelt, Stella mirroring her. As they pulled out from the street, the adverts faded out and turned into a brief chat from the two hosts before changing to another song.  
“This is Delicate by Taylor Swift.” The male host announced before the song started. Scully kept one hand on the steering wheel and the other still in Stella’s. As they drove down the street, out of the corner of her eye Scully noticed Stella mouthing the words to the song. She smiled at the window screen.  
“Which way is it, Stella?” She asked as they reached a junction, snapping Stella out of her music trance.  
“Huh? Oh, just straight on, it’s the next street.”  
“Ok.” She was silent for a second as she watched the traffic. Stella continued to mouth the words.  
“You like that song, Stella?” Scully asked as the light turned red.  
“What?” She turned to Scully. “What song?”  
“The one on the radio? Taylor Swift, Delicate? Or some name like that? You were mouthing it.” Scully started the car up as the light turned Amber. The song continued, nearly at the end.  
“I guess.” She stopped. “It’s nice. The lyrics are nice.” Stella wouldn’t normally be so vague about it but she’d never really thought about it.  
“Really?” Scully questioned.  
“Yes. It’s like she’s afraid to love, afraid for the person to let her in… I don’t know. I guess I identify with it a little…” Her words were losing the little confidence they’d had as the song was ending.  
“Well, I like it too.” Scully smiled and squeezed Stella’s hand.

Stella dumped her coat on the arm of her sofa. She sat down next to Scully who had left her coat in her car.  
“So.” Stella said, putting her arm around Scully’s shoulders. Scully relaxed into her. She didn’t feel so bad anymore, she was okay, she was with Stella. It was safe. She was protected.  
“Do you feel any better?” Stella’s voice was soft.  
“I think I do. Stella, I’m sorry for telling you all that stuff witho-“ Stella placed a finger on Scully’s mouth and she stopped.  
“It’s okay, it truly is Dana, we’re in this together. You know so much about me, my ex, my abuse, my self harm. It’s okay for you to tell me things. I want to know. I want to know what’s going on in your life so I can help. So I can be there for you. I am here to support you too. I want to support you. Because I love you, Dana.” Stella stopped short as she realised what she had said. Scully’s mouth opened and her eyebrows raised. She shifted in her seat, shaking Stella’s arm off her shoulders. The atmosphere had changed almost immediately.  
“You what?” Scully’s voice wobbled, her heart pounding in her chest, eyes searching Stella’s face frozen in shock. She couldn’t believe that she had said that. That she had let that slip.  
“Dana… I didn’t mean… I’m sorry?” Stella didn’t know what she was saying. Scully rose from the sofa. Her eyes desperate, pained.  
“I’m sorry, Stella. I am I just, I think I need some space. Look, I don’t… I just… Goodbye, Stella.” Scully rushed out of the house, a hand over her mouth. Stella left in suffocating silence, the room cold and empty, all colour drained from her face. Her heart fallen from her chest, shattered. What had she done?


	7. Breathe Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self Harm/Cutting TW

Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me  
Wrap me up, unfold me  
I am small, I'm needy  
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found  
Yeah, I think that I might break  
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me  
Wrap me up, unfold me  
I am small, I'm needy  
Warm me up and breathe me

Stella lay on her bed, her chest heavy with pain, the room dark, curtains drawn. She didn’t know what to do she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t cry. Just checking, checking, checking her phone. How could she fuck up so bad? How could she mess this up, the one relationship that she thought could have been something real, something beautiful, something stable. It was such a fucking mess. She’d opened up to this person given everything in so little time. Because she’d broken. Snapped. Everything had become too much and she needed an outlet. It was wrong. She told herself. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Everything was wrong. She was toxic. She was the toxic one messing everything up, polluting everything, everyone. Scully. Mark. Of course he had a reason to abuse me. She thought. I just fuck everything up I can never do anything right. I’m unstable. I’m cold. I think I know fucking everything. But no. It’s just a constant circle, since I was small, since my Mum. Since my Dad’s death because it was all my fucking fault. Every little thing. I can’t sustain a relationship I can’t. I go way too fast or far too slow. Never fucking perfect. Stella rose from the bed and made her way to her bathroom, yanking open the cupboard. The only words in her head now: Razor. Razor. Razor.

Scully’s head rested against the steering wheel. Her head was spinning. She had to pull herself together. She had to. Everything was moving to fast. She wanted it. God. She wanted it but… Scully didn’t know what to do; it was just so much. She sat up and turned the key in the ignition, fastening her seatbelt. She had to get away. She pulled away from the side of the road, not knowing where she was going. The road was still damp from earlier but now the rain had restarted yet again. She drove in absolute silence. Tears stinging her eyes but still no idea what she was doing or where she was going. Everything was too much. She pulled out onto a busier street, still teaming with cars. It wasn’t late, hardly even 6:30. She pushed on the acceleration. She needed to get away fast, to anywhere. Not home. Somewhere else. Anywhere else. Nowhere she had been with Stella. She couldn’t think about Stella. Oh God. What had she done? What had she done to Stella? She never wanted to hurt her but… She cursed herself and continued to drive. Too fast. It was wet now, the rain pouring, battering the road and her car. She wasn’t paying attention as she reached a crosslight. The light turned amber. Scully didn’t notice. She accelerated more. Another car. A person.  
“FUCK!” She screamed as she attempted to swerve out of the way and slam on the break. The tires screeched on the wet ground but her car continued. A lampost. She screamed again and tried to grip the steering wheel. The seatbelt tight against her skin. Spinning. Spinning. Spinning. 

Crash.

Screams.

Pain.

Blood.

 

Blur.

Sirens.

Silence.

Stella yanked the box of razor blades out of the cupboard. Desperately opening the box, ripping the cardboard so half the blades fell out into the sink. She picked one up. The cold, practically non existent weight of it lay in her hand. All rationality was gone. She gripped it, her hand shaking and brought it to her arm. She’d never. Never ever done that. Only on places people wouldn’t see, this time it was different. Different but the same. It would show people how much of a fuck up she was. Her mind wasn’t hers. Stella whimpered, powerless to herself and sunk the blade into her skin. It was a moment before beads of blood began to show. Seeping out of the cut. She sliced again. And again. And again. More cuts. More blood. She was beginning to get dizzy. The pain, the blood. It was so much. Why had she done that? Why?  
“WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!?” She screamed suddenly out into the empty house, her voice echoing back to her. Then silence as she clutched her arm, blood on her hand from the wounds. But then… Ringing. Stella heard ringing. She staggered back through to her bedroom, her head swimming. She grasped at her phone. She wasn’t familiar with the number. Yet still she picked up, blood getting on her phone. She pressed the speaker button and collapsed onto the floor next to her bed. She felt sick.  
“Hello?” She called out to the phone.  
“Hello, is this Miss Stella Gibson?” An irish voice spoke back.  
“Yes.” Her voice was thick.  
“I’m calling from The Royal London Hospital, we have a Miss Dana Scully who was in a car crash who told us that you were her closest contact.” Stella’s heart raced. What had happened? Dana had been in a car crash and this was all her fault all of this? No. Fuck. Stella had to pull herself together. Dana had been hurt so she was in hospital. But Stella was hurt too… What was she to do? Help Dana. Dana was more important. Stella could deal with herself later.  
“Okay, thank you for notifying me, I’ll be right there.” Stella’s voice wobbled as she hung up the phone and pulled herself up. She had to get to Dana. She’d asked for Stella, after all.

Scully drifted in and out of consciousness. An oxygen mask covered her mouth and nose. What had happened? Scully had no idea. She just felt pain. So much pain. She was on the verge of tears. Stella. She remembered what happened with Stella. She had left. Why had she left? What had she done? Scully attempted to speak.  
“What happened?” Her voice rasped. A paramedic sat by her.  
“You were in a car crash. What’s your name? If it’s any help I’m Janet.”  
“I’m Dana.” She said, a tad uncertainly.  
“Okay, Dana. Well, we’ve put you on morphine and oxygen. You took a knock to the head and you have some abdominal bruising, so when we get you to the hospital you’ll have to go for a scan to make sure there’s no internal bleeding, as well you have an open fracture of your tibia. You’re lucky that you’re alive. Your car is destroyed, I’m sorry.” Scully didn’t care about the car.  
“It hurts.”  
“What hurts?” Janet’s voice turned serious.  
“I’m not sure.... Everything? I’m sorry. I’m a Doctor. I shouldn’t say that.” Scully trailed off, ditzy from the knock to the head and the painkillers.  
“You’re a Doctor?” Janet asked. “Dana, hey, stay with us.” She said as Scully nearly drifted out of consciousness again.  
“Yes. I work at a hospital?”  
“What hospital?”  
“Loyal - Royal London I mean.”  
“Okay, well that’s where you’re going. We’ll be there in just a couple of minutes I swear, Dana. But I do need to know, is there anyone I can call? Anyone? A parent, a brother or sister? A spouse?”  
“Stella. Call Stella.” Scully said. “My phone was in my pocket? Did you find it? I have to see her… I have to tell her that I’m sorry.”

Stella gripped the steering wheel. Her pain was incredible and she could hardly keep both hands on the wheel but she did. She had to get to Scully. That was the only thing that mattered. Scully. Not her. Scully. The hospital wasn’t too far away, only a couple of miles but still. London traffic and a wounded arm? Not the best combination. She drove, her mind concentrated, for once. Still slightly light headed but it didn’t matter, she could do it. The only thing she couldn’t do was keep pressure on the cuts, which were still bleeding, even if only a little bit. She hadn’t had time to bandage her arm. She just had to get to Scully. She accelerated and turned the corner. At the end of the street was the hospital. They would want to know what had happened to her, that Stella knew but it didn’t matter. Scully wanted her there. Why? She didn’t know why, but she did. She found a parking space and parked as quickly as possible. As she got out of the car she reapplied pressure to her arm. Now all she had to do was find Scully.

The fluorescent lights hurt Stella’s eyes as she entered the hospital. Where was she to go? Reception? Possibly. She walked, wobbling slightly, to the reception desk.  
“Hello?” She said to the lady sitting there. “I’m Stella Gibson? I got a call about Dana Scully?”  
“Of course, Miss Gibson. She’s right through there.” She replied, gesturing in a vague direction to some doors.  
“Okay, thank you.”  
“Wait! Miss, are you okay?” The receptionist called out as Stella turned her back.  
“Yes, I am, thank you.” Stella replied, still clutching her arm.  
Stella made her way to the doors, people staring at her. She pushed the door open with her shoulder to find herself in a room full of cubicles. She walked along, looking for Scully, when she heard a voice.  
“Am not going into surgery until she’s here. I have to speak to her first.” The voice was slurred and there was a certain Americaness to it. Stella walked towards the cubicle she’d heard from and opened the curtains.  
“Dana?” She asked, even though she already knew the answer. Scully was lying in a bed, looking battered and in pain, her leg in a splint.  
“I’m sorry Miss, you can’t be here.” A Doctor stood next to Scully’s bed looking substantially pissed off.  
“No, no. It’s fine it’s Stella. It’s who I need.” Scully half smiled at Stella, until she noticed her clutching her arm.  
“Stella? What happened?” Her voice rose. Stella shook her head.  
“No, Dana… What happened to you? Well, I know but… I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry, I should never have said that.”  
“Stella, it’s fine but what happened to your arm?”  
“Nothing! Nothing happened!”  
“Well show me then.” The Doctor rolled his eyes.  
“We really do have to get Dana to theatre now, she has a broken leg.” He interjected. They both ignored him.  
“No, Dana, I’m not showing you.”  
“Well if nothing happened just show me. Stella? Please.”  
“No. Dana. I’m sorry.”  
“Your hand has blood on it, Stella. What happened?”  
“Fine.” Stella gave up and removed her hand and rolled up her sleeve. Scarlet cuts decorated her skin.  
“Stella.” Scully’s voice was full of pain, as though she was about to cry. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Stella. This is all my fault, I never should have left none of this would ever have happened if I hadn’t left.”  
“We need someone to tend to your wounds. And Dana we have to get you into theatre.” The doctor scowled.  
“Fine.” Dana spat out the word. She wanted to stay with Stella but she knew she had to get her leg operated on.  
“I’m sorry, Dana.” Stella reached out for her hand and squeezed it, feeling the warmth.  
“No, I am.” Those were the last words said before Scully was taken away for her operation.

Stella sat on the hospital bed, the Doctor from before stitching her cuts. Silence. She didn’t want to speak she didn’t want to talk to anyone except Scully. Over 15 years she had been clean. But now… She’d failed herself. The failure hurt more than the cuts themselves. She’d cut deep too, cut deeper than most of the times before. Now she would be left with scars up her left arm forever. She sighed as the last stitch was finished. Then the Doctor started with the same old of how to keep the wounds clean, so on and so forth and how she should consider therapy etc. Stella blocked it all out. She was tired. So fucking tired. She wanted Scully but she couldn’t have her. She knew that Scully had been lucky, there were no internal injuries. No head injuries. She knew Scully was lucky to even be alive. After the Doctor let her go she went to the waiting area. She would stay there as long as it took for Scully to get out. She went to the coffee machine to get a cup of coffee but promptly forgot about it as she sat down and immediately drifted to sleep in an uncomfortable, plastic chair.

Stella woke up an hour and a half later, only a few people were left sitting in the waiting area. Most of them either asleep or staring at their phones. Scully would be out of her operation by now. Stella rose from her seat and yawned, she’d been surprised that the Doctor hadn’t checked over her other injuries but it probably didn’t matter to him and she knew he probably knew they’d already been there for a few days. Stella didn’t know where Scully would be so she took her phone out of her pocket to call her. Stella flinched at the sight of her blood on the phone screen. She called Scully and waited a couple of moments for her to pick up. She was in a recovery room. Stella wasn’t sure where that would be so she asked the receptionist who was now a different person. The shifts had changed while she was asleep.  
“That would be right down the hall, to the left and through the door, that’s where the rooms are.” Stella nodded a thank you and set off along the corridors. It took her a few minutes to find Scully, who was lying in a bed, a tired look on her face. The nurse that had been in there left and Stella sat down in the seat next to Scully’s bed.  
“Hey.” Stella smiled briefly, her eyes betraying the look on her face.  
“Hi.” Scully replied. An air of awkwardness filled the room.  
“Are you alright?” Stella asked, her voice pained.  
“I think I am. They had to realign my tibia bones. They gave me a plaster cast. I won’t be able to drive though that probably doesn’t matter since my bloody car was totalled. But still, I’m lucky nothing worse happened.” Scully sighed.  
“That’s good.”  
“Is your arm okay? I still mean what I said before, I’m so sorry, Stella. This is all my fault.”  
“My arms fine and it’s not. Everything’s just a mess. It’s no one’s fault, Dana.” Stella was suddenly calm, her thoughts finally collected. “Just look at us two. We’re both a mess.” Stella smiled.  
“I guess we are.”  
“You know what I said before, Dana. I am sorry. I can’t turn back time or change my opinion and I know we’ve gone into this so fast but I do, Dana. I do love you and I can’t change that. There’s been so much happening right now and so much just in general that I just, when I met you, I just thought, that, you… You were different. I could speak to you, like I’d never spoken to anyone before. Not even a therapist. You are different, Dana. And I’m sorry, I really am, normally I would never, ever do this. I would never tell someone that I love them. And I mean I have only known you for a few days but I think I felt something between us that I’ve just never felt before. I just, going back to the night we met, I told you about Mark that “I don’t think it was ever love” and I don’t. I don’t think it was ever love with anyone. The only person I ever let myself love in my whole life was my Father. But he died and my Mum, well… She was something else. She was a monster. Not like Mark nor any serial killer. She was broken but with her brokeness, she broke me too. I shouldn’t be telling you all of this stuff and yet I still am, and I still am sorry. But I love you and only you and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.” Stella was turned away slightly, averting her gaze from Scully, but Scully was gazing at her, behind her curtain of blonde hair. Behind the scars. Just to see Stella. Stella who was vulnerable. Stella who didn’t know what to do. Stella who had never loved another person for years upon years but was now opening up to her. To Scully and Scully, well, she felt the same. Scully could say it. She loved her, she loved Stella. She loved vulnerable, confused, broken Stella. But she loved the other parts of Stella that she’d seen in the short amount of time they’d been together. Funny Stella, sexy Stella, absolutely beautiful, amazing Stella.  
“Stella…”  
“What?” Stella sounded on the verge of tears.  
“I- I love you too.”  
“What?” Her voice was high and shaky.  
“I love you Stella. I do, I’m sorry I left I just didn’t know what to do, I just I don’t know… I mean once when someone tried to tell me they loved me I just said “oh brother” I’m bad at love I’m bad at other people’s feelings. Most of my family are like that.”  
“That’s okay.” Stella smiled and rose from the seat to sit on the edge of Scully’s bed. “Just look at us both. We’re a mess, as I said before but sometimes that’s okay.” Stella smiled and took Scully’s hand in hers. “It’s hard and it will always be hard but we can make something out of this, out of us. It will be okay. We will be okay. However long it takes.”


	8. 400 Lux

We're never done with killing time  
Can I kill it with you?  
'Til the veins run red and blue  
We come around here all the time  
Got a lot to not do, let me kill it with you

I love these roads where the houses don't change (and I like you)  
Where we can talk like there's something to say (and I like you)  
I'm glad that we stopped kissing the tar on the highway (and I like you)  
We move in the tree streets  
I'd like it if you stayed

And I like you  
And I like you  
And I like you

A couple of days passed and it was the weekend. It didn’t matter though because both of them had been put on temporary leave. Scully for her obviously broken leg which she could do practically nothing with, let alone do her work with and Stella for mental health reasons. So for the last couple of days the two had pretty much just stayed inside, lounging around Stella’s house not doing much. There was nothing to do. Scully had very little she did outside of work and the broken leg made the options of what she could do even less and Stella had no reason to work on the Jeremy Hughes case as that had been largely passed onto Wilson and if there were any major developments Wilson could call Stella on her work phone. Sometime in the next week Scully would have to go to a physiotherapist appointment about her leg. In the meantime she’d been given crutches which she hadn’t yet gotten used to using. Everything was pretty okay though, for once. Despite Stella waking up all the nights they’d been together with nightmares. She was considering going back to therapy. It was difficult for both of them to get to sleep, Stella’s fear and Scully’s discomfort from her cast. On the whole though they were okay.

“We’re running out of food. I need to go out and buy some.” Stella yawned and looked at the time on her phone, 4:30. “You want to come?”  
“Sure.” Scully replied, she would like to get out of the house for a wee while, even if it was only to go food shopping.  
“Okay, well, you should get dressed then.” Scully sighed. It was annoying, having to get dressed with a cast on. She’d never broken a bone in her whole life until now. Stella accompanied her upstairs to help her. It was hard for her to get up the stairs as well, especially with crutches, she always felt like she was about to fall down them. Stella found some of Scully’s clothes and handed them to her, Stella had had the time to go and get some of Scully’s stuff from her flat, it was easier just to stay in one house. Scully pulled her t-shirt off, and dumped it on the bed, exposing her braless chest. Stella turned to look at her, half dressed and braless, Scully was a beautiful sight to see half naked and makeupless. Stella sat down next to her on the bed and kissed her, feeling Scully’s lips against hers. Stella’s teeth brushed Scully’s lips very slightly, and they deepened the kiss, Stella wrapping her arm around Scully’s bare torso, feeling the warmth from her skin against her own, Stella’s hand travelled up Scully’s body until she reached her perfect, bare boobs. Scully broke away from Stella.  
“No. Not now. We’ve got to go shopping and you know I can’t do anything with my stupid fucking leg.” She spat the words out, suddenly angry. Stella flinched.  
“Stella, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get mad.” Scully felt bad, she had to be so careful with Stella, she had to make sure not to break her because she was already barely in one piece and she hated yelling. She’d always hated yelling but now it scared her even more than it ever had. Even if it wasn’t directed at her. It reminded her of Mark, it reminded her of her Mother and it reminded her of pain.  
“It’s okay.” Stella shrugged her fear off and Scully drew her into a hug, feeling each other’s warmth. The material of Stella’s top against Scully’s bare skin. Scully drew away and smiled at Stella.   
“Come on, we’ve got to go shopping, remember.”

Ten minutes later Stella and Scully were walking down the isles of Tesco. Stella hadn’t been shopping for a while, the last couple of weeks had been crazy so she just hadn’t had the time. Stella pushed the shopping trolley and Scully walked next to her on her crutches.  
“So what do we need?”  
“Pretty much everything, I haven’t had time to shop. Bread, fruit, general food. Other things as well but I’ll get them when I see them.” Stella stopped to look at a tray of assorted vegetables.  
“Do you want anything, Dana?”  
“I’m not sure.” Stella nodded and grabbed a head of lettuce. They continued down the aisle, Stella picking things up and putting them in the trolley every so often.  
“Do you like strawberries, Dana?” Stella said her name softly, in a way that made Scully’s heart flutter.  
“Yes.” She replied, her cheeks blushing pink. Stella reached for a punnet of strawberries and placed them in the trolley.  
“We could get cream too, so we could have strawberries and cream.” Scully said.  
“That sounds perfect.” Stella smiled slightly. “It’s been years since I’ve had strawberries and cream. The last time I had that was probably when I was just a girl.” A spike of nostalgia and sadness hit Stella in the chest but she shook it off and smiled at Scully. Those were old memories. These were new. A little while later Stella and Scully has picked out most of the food and other things they would need for the next while. Fruit and veg, sugar, coffee, toilet paper, tissues, bread, pasta. All they needed to get now was dinner for that night. They lingered looking at chocolate for a while before Stella picked some out.  
“What do you want for dinner tonight?” Stella turned to Scully.  
“I don’t really mind, you choose.”  
“Are you sure?” Scully nodded. “Okay then.” They walked down the aisle that carried ready meals.  
“You know what I’d actually like, Stella?” Scully said, suddenly serious, cutting the silence.  
“What?”  
“You.” Scully stared at Stella for a second before bursting into peals of laughter. Stella also started to laugh, going a little pink.  
“I’m sorry, Stella!” Scully managed to stop laughing and looked at Stella. “You okay there?” She turned her head, Stella was still trying to catch her breath.  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. My ribs are still hurting, maybe laughing that hard isn’t the best idea.” Stella grimaced slightly at the pain.  
“When we get home, do you want me to look at that for you?”  
“Yes, Thank you.” Stella reached out to Scully and squeezed her arm a little. “You know you’re amazing, Dana.”  
“You too.” Scully smiled and leaned over to kiss Stella on the cheek. Stella’s heart fluttered in her chest as she felt Scully’s lips against her cheek.  
“I love you.” Stella said, her voice warm.  
“I love you too, Stella my shining star.” Scully grinned at her. “You know what I do fancy for dinner?”  
“What?”  
“Spaghetti.” Stella looked at her for a second.  
“Okay, my love, spaghetti.”

A while later they were sitting in Stella’s car, bags of shopping in the boot. Stella drove, holding Scully’s hand, the radio on low. Scully’s crutches across the back seats.  
“We should have our own music.” Scully started.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, doesn’t the radio ever annoy you? Like the music isn’t the best, it’s random, there are ad breaks and loud people talking about irrelevant bullshit. You know?”  
“I understand what you mean.”  
“I have CDs at my flat, we could get some of them sometime? Do you have any CDs?”  
“A lot. But you know what would be nicer?”  
“What?”  
“A mixtape. Well not a mixtape. We could burn a bunch of songs we like to a couple of CDs. Music says a lot about a person.”  
“That’s nice. We should do that. It would be nice just to have something we share. Especially like that.”  
“Yeah. We’ll do that sometime.” Stella replied pulling into the side of the street outside her house. She unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car.  
“I’ll get you your crutches, two seconds.” Stella went round the side of the car and took out Scully’s crutches. “Here.” She said, handing them to her. Scully smiled a thank you and manoeuvred herself out of the car.

Ten minutes later the two were in the kitchen, Stella at the stove, making pasta sauce. Scully sat at the breakfast bar, watching Stella.  
“I’ll look at your ribs after dinner, yeah?”  
“Ok.” Stella replied, concentrating on chopping vegetables for the sauce. Scully smiled and kept watching Stella. The way her platinum blonde hair tumbled around her shoulders, over her face and the way she chopped the vegetables, hidden behind a mask of hair. She was gorgeous even from the back. Perfect hair, perfect figure, perfect ass. Scully’s gaze lingered on Stella’s ass. She was just wearing normal jeans, but damn. Stella’s ass looked great. Scully averted her gaze and looked at the clock on the wall. 5:35PM.

A while later, Stella had finished cooking the pasta sauce and was now just finishing cooking the spaghetti. She strained the water out and split the spaghetti evenly onto two separate plates. She placed them on the breakfast bar.  
“What do you want to drink?” Stella asked Scully, who was staring into space.  
“I don’t mind, whatever you’re having.”  
“Wine?”  
“Sure.” Stella poured two glasses of red wine and set them down next to the plates. She brought two forks out, giving one to Scully and keeping one for herself.  
“Thank you for doing this, Stella. You didn’t have to cook.”  
“It’s okay, sometimes I like to cook and it’s nice to be cooking for someone.” Stella smiled and sat down next to Scully at the breakfast bar. She raised her wine glass. “To us.” Scully smiled and raised her glass as well.  
“To us.” They clinked their glasses. “Cheers.”  
“Cheers.” They ate their spaghetti in mostly silence. Stella made good pasta sauce.  
“You want me to look at your ribs now?” They’d both finished their spaghetti and Scully was the one to break the silence.  
“Please.” Stella slid of her seat and Scully heaved herself onto her crutches. They went through to the living room. Stella sat down on the sofa and pulled off her top and unclasped her bra, pulling it off. Scully looked at the bruising. It looked normal, it had been around 2 weeks since the injuries had originally happened. The bruises were browny pink. Normal. Scully felt up Stella’s ribs, feeling for anything strange but nothing.  
“They probably were just hurting from the laughing, Stella.”  
“Okay, thank you for looking.”  
“That’s okay.” Scully tilted her head and smiled, a lock of hair falling across her face. Stella shifted in her seat. Hesitantly, she brought her hands up to her bra straps and pulled them off, leaving her where Scully had been earlier in the day. Scully’s eyes lit up in arousal at the sight of Stella. Scully’s teeth toyed with her lip. “Stella, come on. I can’t. Not with my leg.”  
“You can. Just not so… Mutually.” The word mutually had never sounded hotter to Scully than coming out of Stella’s mouth.  
“Well what do you have in plan?” Scully purred, her voice smooth as honey.  
“I’ll be back in one minute.” Stella left Scully and went upstairs, two minutes later she was back, her hands behind her back. “Remember this?” She revealed one hand to Scully. The vibrator they had used the first night Scully had stayed over. Scully nodded.  
“Yes.”  
“Well… We have something else as well, tonight. Dana.” Stella revealed her other hand. A small finger vibrator was on her index finger, like a ring.  
“Fuck.” Scully gasped.  
“Yes. Dana, fuck, indeed. Here is not the best to do this so… How about we move to the guest bedroom? Instead of having to go up all those stairs with your crutches, huh?” Stella’s voice was low.  
“Okay.” Scully got up and went through to the guest bedroom on her crutches. She leant them against the bedside table and lowered herself onto the bed. Stella stayed standing.  
“So… Dana.” Her face was unreadable. “What would you like? I wonder.”  
“I want you to fuck me, Stella.” Scully swallowed.  
“Do you now? Well how am I supposed to do that? No.” Stella sat down on the edge of the bed. “I need you to take your clothes off, Dana. Can you do that?”  
“Yes. Of course.” Scully stuttered. She slowly pulled off her top and then her trousers, struggling to pull them over her cast. Her pants were the last to go.  
“Now lie on the bed, properly, don’t just half lie on it like that.” Scully slid further onto the bed, her whole body now on it, lying on her back, completely naked.  
“Okay…” Stella kneeled on the bed, between Scully’s outstretched legs. “Take my clothes off.” Scully reached up to the fly of Stella’s jeans and undid the button. “Take them off.” Stella rasped. Scully quickly obeyed and unzipped Stella’s jeans. Her hands lingered on Stella’s hips before she slid the jeans down her legs, to show Stella’s fancy black lace pants. “Take the pants off as well.” Scully nodded, her eyes dilated, and took the sides of Stella’s pants in her hands. She slid them off Stella, revealing her pussy. Scully felt the warmth in her stomach as she looked upon Stella’s naked body. Stella got off the bed for a second to fully take off her jeans and pants and dispose of them onto the floor. Scully watched as she pulled at them, the muscles in her legs pulsating. She watched as she bent over, showing her ass to Scully, she had to resist reaching out for Stella. Stella kneeled back down onto the bed, now completely naked.  
“So, Dana. You want me to fuck you? You want me to touch you?” She said it as less of a question and more of a statement.  
“Yes.” Scully said, her voice quieter than she meant.  
“Hm… I’m not sure if I can do that, but I’ll try.” Stella smirked, and licked her lips. She reached for Scully’s boob and pinched her nipple with the sides of her fingers. Scully’s heart rate quickened.  
“You like that, huh?” Stella taunted. “Well I have something you’ll like even better.” With that, Stella flicked on her finger vibrator and brought it across Scully’s erect nipple. The feeling was incredible, the dimples of the vibrator against Scully’s nipple. She moaned and Stella leaned down to kiss her on her open mouth, not removing her hand from Scully’s breast. She felt the wetness of Scully’s tongue in her mouth and her teeth brushing Scully’s lips ever so slightly. Stella deepened the kiss, feeling Scully opening her mouth against hers. She quickly drew away and abandoned Scully’s nipple. Scully shot her a disappointed look.  
“I’m not done yet, Dana.” She tilted her head. “I’m nowhere near done.” Stella leaned down onto Scully and took a nipple in her mouth, she felt it with her tongue and flicked it. Scully moaned again.  
“Stella!” Stella drew away again.  
“Yes?”  
“Fuck me, please.” Scully pleaded. Stella shook her head.  
“I want you to make me come Stella. I want your hands on me. I want you inside of me!” Scully’s words were urgent.  
“I can’t. But I have other plans. Take the vibrator.” Stella reached over to the bedside table and handed Scully her vibrator, she was still wearing the finger vibrator.  
“Dana, I want you to fantasize. Tell me what you want me to do to you. Anything. And I want you to touch yourself with my vibrator.”  
“Okay.” Scully nodded and brought the vibrator to her pussy, she switched it on.  
“I want you to dominate me, to shove me up against a wall and kiss me. I want you to tie me up and fuck me with a strap-on. I want you to touch me in publi-” Scully moaned again and set the vibrator to a higher speed. Stella brought her own hand down to her pussy and switched the finger vibrator back on. She had it against her clit, on a low setting. Scully continued, her voice shaking. “I-I want you to bait me with a remote control vibrator. So I have to struggle not to come in public. I want your hands against my neck as you shove me into the bed.” Stella quickened her pace, and brought a hand up to her breast. “I want you to spank me. I want you to leave a mark on me with your hands and your li-” Scully gasped. “I’m coming, Stella! I’m coming.” Scully felt the force of her orgasm coursing through her.  
“I’m coming too.” Stella whispered but then… She moaned, she moaned hard as she came. The come from her orgasm coating her fingers and the toy. Stella’s head was swimming. Scully lay in post orgasmic bliss, the vibrator, still in her hand. Stella rolled over, so she was properly facing Scully.  
“I better change these bed sheets.” Stella laughed and Scully smiled, her face flushed, warmth in her heart.  
“I love you, Stella.”  
“I love you too, my darling Dana.”  
“Strawberries and cream?”  
“Strawberries and cream.”


	9. I'm With You

Well I've been on fire, dreaming of you  
Tell me you don't  
It feels like you do  
Opening up can open some wounds  
How does it start?  
And when does it end?  
Only been here for a moment, but I know I want you  
Darling, I do  
I'm with you

Scully lay awake, alone with her thoughts. Stella was asleep next to her. Scully couldn’t stop thinking. Thinking about everything that had happened, everything that was her fault. She knew that nothing was entirely her fault but the thoughts still wouldn’t leave. She couldn’t get up out of bed, especially in the dark. She stared at the ceiling and her leg itched. She sighed, now she knew why it was so annoying for people when they had to wear a cast. She wished that she could go back to work, just for something, anything to do. It was boring, of course she liked being able to not have the responsibility of her work on her hands but… She had no responsibility, full stop, she was temporarily disabled and she was restless. She just wanted to do something. She felt Stella move in bed next to her, the mattress and duvet shifting slightly. She’d turned over. A few minutes passed and she turned again. Scully could hear her quickening breathing.  
“Stella. Stella.” She reached out to touch her arm, attempting to wake her. Stella suddenly sat bolt upright taking a large breath as though she had emerged from underwater. “Hey, Stella, it’s okay.” Scully switched on the bedside light, to see Stella’s face fearful and a her skin covered in a sweaty sheen.  
“I’m sorry.” Stella stuttered out.  
“For what?”  
“For waking you.”  
“You didn’t wake me, Stella, I was already awake but I could tell you were having a nightmare.”  
“Oh.” Scully reached out for Stella and hugged her.  
“You’re okay.”  
“Yeah… I need to…” Stella drew away from Scully’s arms and pulled open the drawer of her bedside table looking for her dream journal. She scribbled a few words down and replaced the journal.  
“What happened?” Scully asked. “You don’t have to tell me.” The same words as the first night, Stella thought.  
“That’s okay. You want to know. It was about you. But it was about Mark too.”  
“Oh.”  
“He hurt you and I couldn’t stop him, he beat you up really badly. Worse than he did to me.” Stella’s voice wobbled.  
“Stella. He’s never going to get to me. He’s never going to get to you either. We’re safe. There will be a hearing soon and when that happens he’ll hopefully be put in prison.”  
“I know. I just… I’m still scared, Dana.” A tear rolled down Stella’s face. Scully hugged her again.  
“I know you are. I’m here it’ll be okay, we’ll be okay. I told you before. It’ll be fine. I love you and that’s what matters in times like this.” Scully placed a soft kiss on Stella’s lips. “We’re gonna be good, Stella.” Stella nodded.  
“We should probably try to get back to sleep, I know I definitely need some.”  
“Okay.” Stella switched off the lamp and shuffled next to Scully. Scully wound her arm around Stella. Stella turned to her.  
“Thank you. Dana. So much.” Scully didn’t respond but she held Stella closer, feeling her warmth and her breath against her neck. Five minutes passed and the two had fallen to sleep.

Stella and Scully sat in the kitchen, eating breakfast and sipping coffee.  
“Should I go to therapy?”  
“Stella, it’s entirely your decision.”  
“I know but I want your opinion.”  
“Look, if you’ve done it before, did it work then?”  
“It kind of worked.”  
“When was the last time you went to therapy?”  
“When I was 22.”  
“Oh for fucks sake! That was 25 years ago, Stella! Just go. Okay? You want my opinion? Go. It’ll probably help you and I mean, you have me too. So…”  
“But should I go?” Scully mimed hitting her head off the kitchen counter.  
“I literally just said you should go! If you don’t want to, well, sure! Fine! Whatever! Do what you want to but you’re driving me crazy and not in the good way.”  
“Fine. I’ll think about it more. I just don’t know. Where would I get the time?”  
“Stella. Please just make a goddamn decision.”  
“Not right now.” Scully rolled her eyes and sipped her coffee.  
“Okay then, but please don’t ask me about it until you’ve made an actual decision.”  
“Fine.”  
“Okay then.” Scully shifted in her seat. End of conversation. “You actually wanna do something today? It is hard for me but I’m bored out of my mind staying here doing nothing.”  
“What would you have in mind?”  
“I don’t know. Go see a movie, eat out somewhere?”  
“That sounds romantic.” Stella dead-panned.  
“Yep.”  
“Well… okay. We could do that. What would we see though?”  
“I don’t know. Whatever’s on I guess. It’s summer so. There will be something.”  
“True. Blockbuster season.” Stella smiled. “Let’s get going then and I’ll think about my decision on the therapy.”

An hour later the two were standing in line waiting to buy tickets to a movie. They’d decided on Ocean’s 8 over Mamma Mia as neither of them were keen on musicals and Stella liked to see if criminals in movies could actually get away with the crimes in real life.  
“You want food?” Stella turned to Scully.  
“No. Stella food here is such an extortionate price, especially for how crap it is.”  
“Cinema food isn’t crap.” Stella faked offence. “Anyway, I’m buying, it’s my treat.”  
“Okay then.”  
“What do you want?”  
“I don’t know, I never get cinema food.”  
“Ok. Then I’m picking for you.”  
“Fine by me.” They waited in the line a little longer until they reached the cashier.  
“Two tickets to see Ocean’s 8, please.”  
“Ok.” He typed into the checkout. “You wanting any food with that?”  
“Yes.” Stella looked at the menu behind the cashier for a minute. “Two supersize slushys and a large popcorn please.”  
“Ok… That will be £34.50 please.” Stella reached to take her purse out of her pocket. She didn’t have enough cash.  
“Do you take card?” The cashier nodded and Stella payed by card and took the food, struggling to hold it all. “Thank you, next please.” The cashier turned away from them and Stella walked off, Scully behind her.  
“I can’t believe you bought fucking slushys!” Scully laughed. Stella just smiled and showed the ticket verifier their tickets, careful not to drop anything.  
“Cinema 7.” Stella said thanks and they walked along the long dark corridor looking for Cinema 7. They entered the room, the adverts had only just started.  
“The tickets say row K, that’s at the back.” Scully groaned, she would have to walk up the sloped Cinema aisle on her crutches. Stella helped her and they found their seats. They were nearly right at the back and exactly in the middle. They sat down and Scully slid her crutches under their seats. Stella put the slushys in the drinks holders and sat back in her chair, letting out a comfortable sigh.  
“So. We have about 15 minutes until the movie actually starts.”  
“I like the ads.” Stella raised an eyebrow.  
“You have to be the only person I’ve met who enjoys cinema ads. I love you, you weird woman.” Scully smiled in the semi dark.  
“Love you too, Stell.” They sat in silence watching the excessively loud adverts. Kids movies, beer and horror. One advert came on for a movie called the Spy Who Dumped Me. Three women were on screen, two blondes and a brunette.  
“She looks a bit like you, Stella.” Scully said gesturing towards the older woman on the screen wearing white.  
“Yeah, that’s my sister.” Stella deadpanned.  
“What?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Seriously?” Scully said blankly.  
“No of course not.” Stella laughed.  
“Imagine If I had a sister and she was a fucking movie star. I definitely would not be here.”  
“Hm.” Scully sighed. “I wonder what my life would be like, right now if I’d never met you, Stella.”  
“Well for starters, you wouldn’t have a broken leg…” Stella trailed off, she didn’t like to think about if she’d never met Scully.  
“Hey, it’s okay.” Scully took Stella’s hand and squeezed it. “Come on, the movie’s starting.”

“They would never have gotten away with that! There was a huge plot hole and James Corden was bloody useless!” Scully nodded along to Stella’s criticism of the movie. They were traipsing around town looking for somewhere to have a late lunch.  
“You know they were totally gay?”  
“Who?” Stella was still caught up in the plot hole.  
“Debbie and Lou. Totally gay. No question.”  
“Well yes, obviously.” They continued along the street.  
“Pizza?” Scully had noticed the Pizza Hut across the street.  
“Sure.”

The two slid into a booth, the red seating reminding Stella of Scully’s couch. They looked over the menus.  
“You want to get something to share? They have big pizzas that come with breadsticks or something else.”  
“That sounds good. What kind of pizza?”  
“I don’t mind, you can choose.”  
“Mushrooms and pepperoni?”  
“Sure.” They ordered and waited for their food. Stella watched Scully, who appeared to be staring into space.  
“What are you thinking about, Dana?” The corners of Scully’s mouth peaked into a soft smile.  
“You.” Stella reached out for Scully’s hand that was resting on the table. She took it in hers and circled the back with her thumb. Stella lifted Scully’s hand and kissed each knuckle.  
“Sometimes I love you so much that I’m scared. But You are so perfectly beautiful and amazing, Stella, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Stella’s heart fluttered in her chest. She knew the exact feeling.  
“I love you like that too. You’re one in 7 billion. My one in 7 billion.” Scully laughed, suddenly melancholic.  
“Someone else said nearly that exact thing to me a long time ago…” Scully turned away.  
“Hey.” The softness from Stella’s voice warmed Scully.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“That’s ok. Anyway, look, here’s our food.” Scully smiled weakly and nodded.

“Thank you for today, Stella.” They were in the car.  
“That’s okay… but we’re not quite finished yet.” Scully didn’t question Stella’s reply. She watched out the car window as houses and shops flashed by. Summer, still daylight.  
“When’s your birthday?”  
“February 23rd, why?”  
“Pisces. Huh.” Stella smiled softly.  
“I didn’t think you’d be into that stuff.”  
“I’m not.”  
“When’s your birthday?”  
“April 13th. Aries.”  
“If you’re not into that stuff why’d you tell me our star signs?”  
“It interests me. To see if there really is any correlation.”  
“Do you think my sign is accurate?”  
“I think so. Yes. But to really get a picture of the accuracy I’d need to do your birth chart.”  
“What’s That?”  
“You don’t only have one zodiac sign. You have three main ones, your sun, which is Pisces, your moon sign and your rising sign. Though there are a whole bunch of other signs too.”  
“Right.” Scully watched out the window again. They were in an area that she didn’t really recognise. It was pretty, though.  
“We’re here.” Scully hadn’t even really noticed that they’d parked. She was preoccupied by her thoughts.  
“Where is here?”  
“Just wait.” Stella pulled the key out the ignition and got out, collecting Scully’s crutches from the back seats. It was warm outside, a nice warmth, not too hot nor did it feel close. It would be hot soon. It was only the start of summer. It wasn’t quite sunset, not yet.  
“Where are we going?”  
“Just follow me.”  
“Okay?”  
“Do you trust me, Dana?”  
“Of course I trust you.”  
“Then follow me.” Scully hesitated but then started to walk next to Stella. “It’s not far.”  
“Okay.” Stella took Scully down a couple of side streets until they reached a slightly larger road, which they crossed. One more side street and they emerged next to a wrought iron gate to a small park. Stella opened the gate. Scully entered the park and Stella followed after her. A short path took them to a metal bench inbetween some trees that looked across the park. A small pond with water lillies sat near the back of the park. A solitary mallard duck drifting around on top of it. Flower beds fringed the park, blossoms of all colours, pinks and reds and yellows.  
“It’s gorgeous, Stella.” Scully grinned a wide smile. Scully leaned into Stella and they kissed for a long time, finally drawing away, Scully’s eyes twinkling.  
“I really do love you.”  
“I love you too. But isn’t it just beautiful out here?”  
“It really is.” A moment of silence, just the sound of the soft breeze in the trees and a single quack from the duck. “Thank you for today, Stella.”  
“That’s okay.” Scully leaned into her, resting her head on Stella’s shoulder. Soft warmth. They were a picture perfect painting.  
“I come here a lot. When I’m sad, when I’m lonely. It’s beautiful in Winter, as well. It’s just nice, somewhere I can be carefree, I rarely see anyone else here. It’s special to me. I don’t really know why I brought you here. I never would have brought anyone else apart from you.”  
“It’s like a patch of the garden of Eden, but within this city.” Scully mumbled.  
Stella gave a blissful sigh and leant her head against Scully’s.  
“I never want to leave you. I want to stay in this moment forever.”  
“Me too, my love, me too.”


	10. Devotion is Known

I got caught on a day thrill  
Can't see you tonight  
I don't mind but you do?  
I don't mind what you say  
If you don't mind where I'm going  
Devotion is known and not for showing

A couple of days ago Scully had received an Email, today was the day she had to go physio for an assessment of what would be done to her after having her cast removed. Stella was on the phone finally arranging an appointment with a therapist, she would get it very soon (in the next couple of days) she had been put priority over some other people, due to her situation. Stella hung up the phone, they would call her an hour later to tell her the date and time of her appointment.

Stella drove Scully to her physio appointment, (which was at Scully’s hospital) accompanying her up to the room, but she soon after left to have a drive around. Stella had the radio on low. They had in fact made the CD mix Scully had had the idea for but it had been left at home. Stella looked at the various store fronts that fringed the streets of London. Florists, hairdressers and every other type of shop. She liked the city, the anonymity of it all. There were millions of people in London, 8.17 million, to be precise and she was just one. It wasn’t like Belfast, where everyone knew who she was. Though some people might recognise her face in London, not many could actually place it. Stella had 50 minutes before she needed to pick Scully up. She parked the car and found a Starbucks. She ordered her coffee and sat at a bar seat, watching people pass by. Just as she was about to finish her coffee, Stella felt one of her phones vibrate, ringing silently. She pulled the offending phone out of her pocket. Work. Wilson. She picked the phone up without hesitation.  
“What happened?” Stella was straight to the point.  
“We spoke to the wife. Apparently Hughes was suffering from psychotic schizophrenia. He was on medication but had suddenly stopped taking it in the few days before the incident.”  
“So, a psychotic schizophrenic stopped taking his medication, was what? Delusional or hallucinating? And killed three people, including himself. That’s our answer?”  
“I don’t know.”   
“We need to know. I should come in.”  
“Gibson, you really don’t need to.”  
“No, I will.” Stella hung up the phone and left her nearly empty coffee cup on the table.

10 minutes later, Stella was standing in the met police building looking over a chart. Some information had been added since she’d gone on break. The chart read something like this.

JEREMY HUGHES CASE

Murdered 3 people including himself  
No clear cause of violence - unprovoked attack  
Wife - ANNA, 3 kids - HELENA, JAMES, BONNIE  
A business man  
Clean criminal record  
Not religious  
English  
Grew up in a healthy home (wife known him since primary school)  
Passed all exams with A marks (clever)  
Psychotic Scizophrenic

Stella looked over the chart and the other notes. There was nothing that made sense for the attack. Did he truly only burst out because of his mental disorder? Stella turned around, Wilson was lingering behind her, watching.  
“Is there any chance we could speak to his psychiatrist or doctor?”  
“Patient confidentiality.”  
“Of course… try anyway. It should be able to be broken on this occasion. We need to know if he’d told his psychiatrist about any delusions that may have triggered something.” Wilson left and Stella continued to think.

An hour later her phone buzzed again in her pocket. She answered without checking the ID.  
“Where the fuck are you?” Scully.  
“What?”  
“You were meant to pick me up after my physio appointment now where the fuck are you?” Scully was pissed off. Really pissed off.  
“Oh fuck I forgot. Something came up at work.”  
“You aren’t meant to be at work.” Her voice remained cold.  
“Look, I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”  
“Fine.” Scully hung up. Stella gathered her things and went to find Wilson.  
“I have to go, there was something I needed to do I had to pick someone up and I forgot so I’m leaving now. Call in when you get to talk to the psychiatrist. I want to talk to them.”  
“Okay, I’ll call again if there’s anymore developments too.”  
“Okay.” Stella left and drove brushing the speed limits. When she reached the hospital she called Scully.  
“Where are you?”  
“I was getting coffee, are you in the car park?” Scully was still mad.  
“Yes.”  
“Come find me, I can’t carry a cup and use my crutches.”  
“Okay. See you in 5.” Stella hung up and started to make her way to Scully. She couldn’t believe she’d forgotten about her. Stella hated how much her work took over her life and her mind. She always got so consumed. Hell, she wasn’t even meant to be working and she was consumed by it. It annoyed her.

Stella found Scully sitting in a pretty much deserted area next to the hospital cafe. She looked tired and pissed off. Her brow slightly furrowed, causing small wrinkles to blossom around them. Stella quickened her pace across the room and sat down across from Scully.  
“I’m sorry I forgot.”  
“Well, you’re here now.” Stella sighed and waited in cold silence for Scully to finish her coffee. She tapped her fingers against the edge of her chair and looked around the room. The cashier lady stood staring at her phone, leaning against the back counter. An old lady sat sipping a cup of tea, reading a book. Scully finished her coffee and gave Stella the cup to put in the bin. Stella obliged and binned it. Then walked out of the hospital, still silent. Halfway through the car ride home, Scully spoke up.  
“I’m sorry I’m mad, I don’t mean to take it out on you but I’m tired and my appointment started late and then you forgot. Today just hasn’t been going great.”  
“You think I could fix that?” Stella replied, her voice teasing.  
“Maybe…” Scully smirked and offered her hand to Stella. Stella took it.  
“You want to get ice cream? I know a place. That might help today get a little better.”  
“That sounds good.” The summer heat was slowly creeping up. It was going to be one of the hottest summers in years. An awful Winter turning into a sweltering hot summer. Stella pulled into a car park, taking the last spot. They walked 5 minutes to the Ice Cream shop. The queue was surprisingly short. Scully got Nutella and vanilla. Stella, cherry and dark chocolate. They sat in the outside seating, eating the ice creams quickly, so there would be little mess from the inevitable melting. They stayed sitting after they’d finished their ice creams.  
“So, what did you actually do at your appointment?”  
“It was more of a consultation, I won’t actually start physio until my leg is healed and my cast is taken off.”  
“Oh. How long until your leg will be healed?”  
“Well maybe 7 weeks? Not sure, might be more. It depends on the type of fracture. Stable fractures heal faster.” Stella just nodded. “What was so interesting at work that you forgot about me?”  
“There was a development in the case I’m working on, you know, the one we met at?”  
“I remember. A guy killed two people and himself right? As well as injuring others.”  
“Yes, well, his name was Jeremy Hughes and we found out he was a psychotic schizophrenic. That was the development.”  
“Oh. So do you think it was a hallucination or a delusion that set him off?”  
“Possibly. We really don’t know yet though, we need to try and talk to his psychiatrist.”  
“Right.”  
“It’s not that interesting a case, really, pretty much just analysis. Probably a waste of police resources. We know who the killer is, there’s nothing really else we can do.”  
“Well why are the police investigating?”  
“Well… it might not just be that he was severely mentally ill, it could of been planned, a terrorist organisation or something else. We just don’t know. We need to know if there’s something else going on, if something could happen. But as I said it is probably just a waste of police resources, it was probably just a product of the man’s mental illness.”  
“Well what can you do?”  
“Investigate, his past, his current associations, that’s already been done to a point but we really need to dig. Try to talk to his psychiatrist, but doctor patient confidentiality is a bitch.”  
“So it’s hard?”  
“Yes, to put it lightly. I only went in because Wilson, the officer I appointed to lead the case, called me. I asked her to call if anything of great importance occurred or was discovered. The rest of my duties have been taken by the rank below me, somebody is now acting DSI, though I can’t for the life of me remember his name, when I come back though he’ll be demoted again.”  
“I don’t know much about law enforcement, though the FBI did approach me about working for them, while I was in med school, but I said no. My life probably wouldn’t be much different though, except you.” Scully smiled.  
“Interesting. The FBI don’t normally just pick random people from med schools to put in their ranks.”  
“No, I know. But I didn’t want that life. Being a doctor is important to me, I help people, I save lives, I know that it would be the same in the FBI but I just… It’s secretive, it’s a hard job. I didn’t want to stay in America.”  
“I understand that.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah. Those decisions are hard and you did the right thing, you did what you wanted to do with your life and now you’re here. With me. And it’s going okay. Hell brought me here and bad shit happened but now we’re okay, look at us, sitting outside an ice cream parlour in the heat of early summer. Without you, I don’t know where I would be, but I know I’m happier now than I have been in a really long time.”  
“Stella… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to put it into words.”  
“That’s okay.” Stella leaned over and took Scully’s face in her hands. “There is nothing about you that I don’t love. I still barely know you but that doesn’t matter. When you’re better, I want to leave, I want us to take a holiday. I know it would be hard for both of us to get more leave but it’s the thing I want to do the most right now.” Apart from you… Stella thought for a second before pulling Scully into a kiss. They’d practically forgotten that they were in the middle of a public area.  
“Stella…” Scully’s voice was hesitant.  
“Please.”  
“Okay.”  
“Thank you, Dana.”  
“I’ll try to get away. It’ll be mid August by then, after my cast is removed.”  
“Yes.”  
“Where do you say we should go?”  
“I’m not sure. I want to think about this. I want it to be as near perfect as possible.”  
“Okay. Let’s try.” Stella nodded and rose from her seat.  
“Let’s go home.” Scully just nodded, again, a smile on her face she was happy but behind that happiness there was something else too... But they wouldn’t be stuck in London, (if she could get the leave) she would actually be somewhere else, somewhere different. New people, new scenery, new things. Stella the one constant.


	11. Strong/Liability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long to update and I'm sorry that this isn't really a Stella & Scully chapter but instead Stella's therapy session. I just haven't been able to update as I've been really busy and I'm not having the best time at the moment and to be honest, the only thing that prompted me to edit and upload was for some reason Lorde's cover of Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole... Anyway, sorry, and I will try to update more often. Also I put 2 songs to this chapter because I think it works perfectly.

Yeah, I might seem so strong  
Yeah, I might speak so long  
I've never been so wrong  
I might seem so strong  
Yeah, I might speak so long  
I've never been so wrong  
Excuse me for a while,  
Turn a blind eye  
With a stare caught right in the middle  
Have you wondered for a while  
I have a feeling deep down?  
You're caught in the middle  
If a lion, a lion roars would you not listen?  
If a child, a child cries would you not forgive them?  
\- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - --- - - - - - -- - -- - -- - - - - -- - -- - -- -- -- - - - - - - - - - ------- - - -- - -- - - - - -- - - - - --- - -  
I'm a liability  
I'm a liability  
Much for me  
You're a little much for me, no, no, no, no  
Whatcha gonna do?

All of the dreams that get harder  
All of the things that I offer you  
And all of the shit that we harbour  
Make all of the kids in the choirs sing woo-hoo

 

A couple of days later it was July the 1st. Stella’s therapy appointment. Scully had decided to stay home, leaving Stella driving 20 minutes alone. Stella wore a long sleeved silk shirt, uncomfortably warm but she wanted to hide her scars, and she wore dress trousers, essentially her work clothes. She waited at the traffic lights and took a drink of water from her bottle before replacing it in the drinks holder. It was hot, stiflingly so and therefore it was boiling inside the car. Stella wound her window down, letting some only slightly cooler air in. She stepped on the gas as the light turned green. She didn’t know exactly where her appointment was, it could’ve been in any of the buildings that framed a small square. She parked her car, the car park was surprisingly empty. Stella got out of the car and walked around the square, looking for the right building. It was the second to last building on the right side of the square, a little brown building fringed by two perfectly clipped hedges at either side of the main entrance. Stella took a breath and pushed through the doors, expecting to find an area not unlike a doctor’s surgery. A room composed of many seats and a table with a heap of magazines on it as well as a slightly dead looking indoor palm.  
“Hello?” Stella turned around, to meet the gaze of a tired looking woman wearing a brown cardigan.  
“Hello? I’m Stella Gibson, I have an appointment in,” She checked her watch, “exactly three minutes.”  
“Ah yes, okay, your counselor will be out in a minute. Would you like tea? Coffee?”  
“Coffee would be good, black, two sugars, thank you.” The receptionist nodded and disappeared, coming back with a cup of coffee. Stella sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting area. She found herself tapping her fingers on the edge of the seat, anxious to meet the counselor. A minute later a woman in a black lace dress walked down the hallway.  
“Stella Gibson?” She asked.  
“Yes, I’m Stella. And you would be my counsellor?”  
“Correct. Follow me.” Stella obliged and rose from her seat, making sure not to spill her coffee.

The room they came to was similar to the one Stella had used the first time she was in counselling. Two uncomfortable blue chairs, a table, a file and some things for younger patients. If Stella knew anything, it was that therapy was nothing like in the movies. Stella set her coffee down on a coaster and sat down.  
“Hello, Stella, I’m Jenine Thompson, for as long as you have counselling here, I will be your therapist. There a few things we have to go over before we start.”  
“Doctor patient confidentiality, if you know someone’s in danger we have to tell the police, et cetera, et cetera. Right?” Jenine looked at her incredulously.  
“Excuse me?”  
“I’ve been through this cycle before and I’m in law enforcement. I know the rules.”  
“Okay, well that makes things easier for me. So, Stella, I’ll need you to tell me some things, what going on, if you’ve been diagnosed with something before, I’m not trying to diagnose you.”  
“Okay. So, I’ve been going through these things since I was about fourteen, my father died when I was young and my mother didn’t cope with it properly. She took a lot of things out on me. I self harmed, the inside of my thighs and the soles of my feet. I recently relapsed. To get into things that have happened more recently, I was involved in a high profile police case in Northern Ireland, the Belfast Strangler.” Stella was straight to the point.  
“I remember that, it was all over the news.”  
“Yes. The case took a huge impact on my mental health and nearing the end of the case I was physically assaulted by Paul Spector. A lot of things happened around that case, it got out to the press that I had slept with a detective who was shot later the same night. I was ostracised.” Jenine was continually taking notes in a file.  
“So what effect did this have on you?”  
“During the rest of the case I was uncomfortable, anxious.”  
“Okay.”  
“And then as I said, later I was assaulted by Paul Spector, it was during an interrogation, I set him off and he went for me, he kicked me and punched me and had to be restrained, while we attempted to restrain him, he dislocated a man’s shoulder. But the attack has been affecting me more lately, as I was just in an-“ Stella stuttered. “An abusive relationship with a man. You can still see the injuries, the scars on my face.”  
“Yes, I can.”  
“Though now I’m in a relationship with another woman.” Stella smiled slightly.  
“Oh, okay, is this new relationship happy? Stable?”  
“It’s definitely happy. The relationship only formed a few weeks ago.”  
“How long did you know her before you began to pursue this relationship?”  
“I didn’t.” Stella was straight to the point. “She’s a Doctor, I was taken into hospital after I was in a really bad fight with my ex. I met her that night, she was my Doctor.” Jenine looked at her funny, she couldn’t insult a patient’s relationship, unless it was actually having an impact on them or another person.  
“Okay. So how stable is it? So far?” Stella thought back to the incident, the car crash, her relapse. She wasn’t sure what to say.  
“Well… it’s very loving, we’re both supporting each other because we both have our own problems. But… a couple of weeks ago there was an incident. I told her I loved her, we had only been going out for a few days at that point. She left and I- that’s when I relapsed. She left and I was on my own and I snapped and cut up my arm.” Stella slowly rolled up her sleeve to expose the cuts, they weren’t fading and they wouldn’t, buy they were healing over somewhat. Jenine looked at the cuts. They were deep, that she could tell, they’d had stitches and they would definitely scar. “But she got hurt too, she was in a car crash, I still don’t know exactly what happened, she doesn’t know either, she can’t remember properly. She broke her leg in the crash. The only reason I went to the hospital and actually got my cuts stitched and cleaned and why I didn’t die, because I could have, the bleeding was…” Scary. Stella thought. Scary. “There was a lot of blood. They called me so I had to go for her.”  
“Where you scared, when this happened? When you self harmed? Scared that you might die? Scared she might die?” Stella bit the inside of her lip.  
“Yes. I was scared. I never…” She trailed off, Stella was about to cry. Really cry. In front of a therapist. Her chin wobbled. And a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry, Jenine.”  
“No, that’s okay, it’s okay to cry, do you want a tissue?” Jenine held out a box of tissues which Stella took one from.  
“I’m sorry I just I was…” She began to sob. “I was clean for so long and I did so much, I fucked up so bad, with her, with me. I just...” Jenine watched Stella cry. Long painful sobs. It was verging on painful to watch, even though Jenine was used to it. Stella took a large breath. “I’ve been crying so much lately.” She shakily smiled, before letting out another sob. “There’s been so much stuff going on lately, it’s crazy.”  
“I know, but I need you to get through this appointment, I need you to tell me some more things but I can wait a minute, if you need it.”  
“No, no. It’s fine, you can continue.” Stella’s voice was still shaking.  
“Okay, are you sure?”  
“Yes.”  
“Okay,” Jenine looked down at her notes. “Can you tell me about any of your prior relationships? The abusive one and any others.”  
“Well… I’ve only had four relationships, ever. Including the abusive one and my present one. They were both mostly normal, though they both had messy breakups. The first one, which was during the end of secondary school, his name was James. He thought I cared more about my academics than I did about him. He was right. It resulted in a huge argument, at his house, when we were meant to be having a date, I took my study notes with me and my textbooks. He yelled at me and told me he’d had enough. I never spoke to him again. Honestly, I didn’t actually care very much, we were better off apart.”  
“So you were consumed by your work? Maybe striving for perfection?”  
“Yes.”  
“Do you still have tendencies to get consumed by things, do you consciously notice when you’re doing it?”  
“I do. I try not to get so consumed but it’s hard, it can sometimes be a type of coping mechanism. If something’s happening personally I will obsess over work. I mostly notice when it’s happening but just recently, I forgot to pick up my girlfriend from an appointment because I’d been called into work and so I forgot about her. I was an hour and a half late meeting her.” Stella sighed, she still felt bad about it.  
“So if at any point during the time you’re seeing me and you feel that you may be slipping into that tendency I need you to tell me and we can go over some things that may help you. Can you continue telling me about your other relationships?”  
“Yes, of course. So my second relationship, I was 25. He was twelve years older than me. His name was Michael. I don’t know how we ever ended up going out. He was a nice enough person. It just wasn’t right, he was completely different to me. I cheated on him, with a woman I met at a bar. I can’t even remember her name. I was happy that our relationship ended. It ended in a huge fight but I’m still happy it ended.”  
“You slept with someone else?”  
“Yes. I sleep around. A lot. I’m promiscuous. At least that’s what some would say.”  
“Would you ever cheat on anyone now, how about in your current relationship?”  
“No. There’s a difference. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t satisfied. But now… I’m happy now.”  
“Okay, so I know this will be hard but I really need you to talk about your abuser.”  
“No, it’s fine. I, I understand.” Stella paused and swallowed. “His name is Mark Gordon. I met him six, nearly seven months ago now. For the first month of the relationship he was normal, he was nicer than James or Michael. He was understanding, nurturing even. I was caught, a fly in his web. One day he changed, it started as a small argument, I’d stayed an hour longer at work, we were going to go for dinner and we missed our reservations. He yelled at me and I tried to apologise but then he hit me. At first I think he looked surprised at what he’d done. I nearly screamed but he put his hand over my mouth to stop me. I should have left then and there. I didn’t. I don’t know why. I should’ve known better. But I didn’t leave. I stayed in hell for another five months. Until he hurt me so badly that I had to go to hospital. He didn’t just hit me though, he said things, horrible, horrible things. Reaffirming my old self loathing. It hurt. It was worse than the wounds that I had to hide. I had to keep it inside. I couldn’t show that to anyone, I have and I always will try to keep my work and my home life apart but… I didn’t have anyone else either. I don’t really have friends. I couldn’t cheat on him, have a one night stand, one night of drunken sex and venting just to leave the next morning and have another nameless face dissolve into the night. They would call the police. I couldn’t call a hotline, they too would call the police. I was all holed up, stuck in my own mind with no outlet.”  
“That sounds hard. You said it reaffirmed your old self loathing, what things did he say? I want to know what your negative thoughts are and were.” Stella sighed.  
“He said all sorts of things, pretty much any insult in the book. But some ones that really stuck… He told me I was dirt, that I was worth nothing more than dirt. I was useless, I couldn’t do anything right. I was a bitch that only thought of herself and no one else. He told me everything I got I deserved. And I believed him.”  
“So those statements stuck with you, did you used to think those things before you went out with him?”  
“Yes, but I hadn’t, well not nearly as much in a long time. I didn’t exactly have the best relationship with my mother. As I already said, when I was quite young, my father died. My mother took his death out on me. She turned into an alcoholic. When she was drunk she was the worst. Approaching the level of Mark. But the difference between them was I knew her for years before she changed, so it was worse and she acted like that for years, not just five months. Though only a few times she raised a hand to hurt me.”  
“So did she say the same things as Mark?”  
“Mostly, there was some variation. She told me she wished I’d never been born, that I was an accident, she had scorned the day she found out she was pregnant with me. She told me what had happened to my Dad was my fault. That stress from me had killed him and was going to kill her.”  
“So you internalised these words?”  
“Yes.”  
“They made you self harm?”  
“Yes.”  
“And what exactly, what were the exact thoughts that triggered your relapse?”  
“That I fucked up, that everything I do is wrong, I was only thinking of myself. That no one would ever love me.”  
“And you know those thoughts aren’t true?”  
“Yes. I know, I know deep down that they aren’t true but it was the heat of the moment and my brain was flooded. I lost all reasoning, all logic. I hate myself for that night.”  
“You shouldn’t. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Stella pursed her lips.  
“I’m not ashamed. I’m just mad that I’d been clean for so long throughout so much stuff and that finally broke me.”  
“It happens. If you’ve had so much stress that one day one thing just makes you snap? It’s common even.”  
“It doesn’t make me feel any better.”  
“I didn’t think it would.” Silence.  
“I have dreams.”  
“What?”  
“Bad dreams, nightmares. I’ve had them for years. Dreams about all sorts of things that have happened in my life. Dreams about my father, dreams about Paul Spector and now, dreams about Mark. Dreams about my girlfriend.”  
“Before we get into that, Stella, there’s something I’ve noticed during this session.”  
“What?”  
“You’ve never once told me your girlfriend’s name. You’ve told me all of your boyfriend’s names but never your girlfriend’s.” Stella hadn’t noticed that she’d been doing that, maybe subconsciously she just didn’t want her name out in the open, to make it one hundred percent official.  
“Have I not?”  
“No. You haven’t. Do you know why?”  
“I’m not sure…” Stella paused. “Her name is Dana.” Stella let it out, a wave of warmth following the statement. It was strange.  
“Okay. So you’ve had dreams that have involved your father, Paul Spector, Mark and Dana.”  
“Yes.”  
“What kind of dreams, well nightmares, or can you remember good dreams you’ve had?”  
“I can’t remember the last time I had a good dream. I have a dream journal that I keep, though.”  
“Are there any specific dreams you can remember?”  
“Yes. One I had recently, I was standing in my living room and Mark had broken into the house. He’d tried to attack me, shoved me against the wall hit me but then Dana had heard the noise and had entered the room. Mark got to her but I couldn’t do anything, I was stuck on the floor, immobile as Mark attacked her. She tried to fight back but he overpowered her, she was left bloody on the floor, nearly dead and I couldn’t do anything but then he left and I was mobile again but when I got to her, she was dead.” Stella paused. “I told Dana about that dream, but only half, I didn’t say that she’d died, I’d only said that he’d attacked her and I couldn’t do anything about it.” Jenine was silent for a moment as she processed the information that Stella had told her.  
“The dream probably meant that you’re scared of Dana being hurt and you not being able to do anything about it, it blended with the fear of your ex. Tell me, was this before or after the incident?”  
“After. Dana actually woke me up.” Stella smiled slightly. “She noticed that I was distressed and she woke me up.”  
“Right, okay. We’re running out of time, is there anything else you’d like to say?”  
“I’m not sure. Is there anything else you’d like to know?”  
“Oh, yes! Sorry, I forgot. Have you had any prior diagnoses? When you originally started therapy or at any other point?”  
“PTSD and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.”  
“Okay, that sounds about right, at least from what I know.” Jenine wrote it down in her file. “I just need you to check your contact details in your file before you go, you’ll need to arrange another appointment too.”  
“Yes, of course.” Jenine handed her the contact details from her file. “Those are all correct. If that’s all I can see myself out.”  
“Yes, that is all. I’ll see you later, Stella.”  
“Goodbye.” Stella left the room, as soon as the door shut behind her she let out a long breath. “Jesus Christ.” She muttered. All that pain that hadn’t been dug up for so long being dredged up again, it was exhausting. Stella hated it. She knew that therapy was for the best but she had forgotten how bloody exhausting it was, how much of a toll it took on her. Stella sighed again and left, dreading having to come back.

Scully sat on the sofa, the TV switched switched off, the silence deafening. A heaviness resting on her chest. Her chin wobbled and a single tear rolled down her cheek. She couldn’t do this. She had to stay strong. For Stella.


	12. Washing Machine Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I haven't been uploading, there is just a lot of stuff going on personally right now that I don't have the energy to sit down and write. I don't know when I'll next update. Sorry.

Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart  
Baby, bang it up inside  
I'm not wearing my usual lipstick  
I thought maybe we would kiss tonight  
Baby will you kiss me already and  
Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart  
Baby, bang it up inside  
Baby, though I've closed my eyes  
I know who you pretend I am  
I know who you pretend I am

“Mum?” The scent of strong liquor assaulted Stella’s nose. Her hand lay on her Mother’s shoulder. The room dark.  
“Mum?” Stella said it again. This time louder. She began to stir, turning slightly. The liquor smell was overpowering. Stella leaned down, closer to her mother’s face.  
“Mum, please wake up.” Her breath tickled Stella’s face. More of the liquor smell but this time mingled with the scent of stale breath. Her mother began to wake. Her eyes opening slowly.  
“What?” Her voice was groggy, her words slurred. “Fuck off, I’m sleeping.”  
“Mum, please, I’ve been sick.” Stella’s words were fast, apprehensive.  
“Big deal, so have I. Go back to bed and leave me the fuck alone.” Stella dropped her hand from her Mother’s shoulder and trailed silently out of the room, softly shutting the door behind her. Stella sat cross legged on her bed, her head against the headboard. She sighed. She was so tired. She turned to notice the pair of scissors on her bed side table. Thoughts came into her mind. Scarlet. Pain. She would feel better after. Little Stella, just thirteen.

It was the morning and Scully was yet to wake up. Stella was unsettled. She knew she’d had a dream. She knew it was something from her past but she couldn’t remember. She just couldn’t. Only one detail. Blue handled scissors. Stella got up and went downstairs to make herself a coffee. Her brow was furrowed as she stirred the sugar, concentrating, trying to grasp the strings of the memory of her dream. Stella snapped out of her trance as she noticed the time, the white clock that hung on her kitchen wall read 06:06 AM.  
“Shit.” Stella cursed. The time added to her discomfort. Something about the early morning was strange. Almost like you weren’t meant to be there. Stella couldn’t do anything that she’d normally do at a time so early. She still couldn’t swim because of her stitches and going out running was pretty much out of the question too. Stella picked up her cup of coffee and unlocked her back door. The early morning dew was still fresh on her lawn. Dawn had passed and the sun was already up, the sky blue. Stella took a long breath in. She never normally went out into her garden. She’d never been bothered to do much to it, there weren’t really any flowers, mainly just weeds and also a single small tree in the back corner, next to her shed which wasn’t exactly in the greatest nick either. The roof looked as though it could fall in at any second and the only thing that it occupied was probably just a bunch of spiders. Stella took a sip of her coffee and leaned against the door frame. Maybe one day she could do it up. No. She dismissed her thought. Too much effort, too much dirt pretty much impossible to do on one’s own.  
“But you’re not alone,” She whispered to herself, “You have Dana.”

When Scully woke up it was past 8:00AM. In the time Stella had been awake she’d done some chores around the house and drank another cup of coffee. Stella went up stairs to find Scully lying in bed, a lazy smile on her face.  
“Good morning, darling.” Stella said sitting on the bed next to Scully.  
“Morning.” Scully yawned, her blue eyes locking with Stella’s.  
“You want a coffee? Cereal?” Scully nodded and yawned again.  
“Yes, please thank you.”  
“Okay.” Scully propped herself up on her pillows a little and Stella leaned into kiss her, the kiss tasted like coffee and morning breath. Stella lingered in the kiss for a moment before drawing away.  
“I’ll be right back.” Scully nodded and settled back into bed.

Stella and Scully sat in bed, eating breakfast (cornflakes sprinkled with sugar), Scully drinking coffee and Stella finishing her own. The sat snuggled together, making idle chit chat, Stella’s empty hand, after she’d finished her coffee, wrapped around Scully’s shoulders. The lazy buzz of a fly the background music to the beautiful morning. After they’d both finished their cereal Stella took the empty bowls downstairs before coming back up to continue snuggling and chatting with Scully. Stella got back into bed and pulled the covers around her although it was already shaping up to be rather warm. Scully nestled into the crook of Stella’s neck, her hair tickling Stella.  
“How are you, Dana?” Stella asked turning to look at Scully properly.  
“I’m okay.” Lie. Scully smiled a little as though trying to convince Stella more.  
“Good. I don’t want what’s going on with me to stop you from telling me things.”  
“Why would that stop me from telling you things?”  
“In case you don’t want to put that stress. On me as well as the problems I’m already facing.”  
“Stella I will always tell you everything. It’s important that we both know what’s happening with each other.” Lie.  
“Okay. I’m just worried in case there is anything I could be doing to help you more or just to make you feel better, at all.”  
“I’m fine.” Lie. Scully was starting to feel guilty now. She knew that she shouldn’t be hiding her pain from Stella but she just didn’t want that out in the open. She didn’t need to be vulnerable when she knew Stella was vulnerable. Scully didn’t realise though that in fact doing that very thing to make her seem like she wasn’t vulnerable was in fact making her vulnerable.  
“That’s good.” Scully leaned further into Stella’s neck and began to kiss her.  
“Let’s have some fun this morning.” She said into Stella’s neck between kisses.  
“Yes, lets.” Stella replied. She drew away from Scully’s kisses and removed her t-shirt, throwing it to the other side of the room, where it hit the wall and fell onto the floor. Stella kneeled on the mattress so Scully could easily access her without having to completely change position. Scully began to kiss along Stella’s collar bones, lingering for a moment, with a kiss that would for sure later turn into a perfect love bite. She moved, now to Stella’s breasts, taking a perfectly pert nipple between her lips. Stella groaned in appreciation as her nipple hardened further between Scully’s lips. Scully lingered there for a second before moving over to Stella’s other nipple, which was already hard. Stella gasped at Scully’s contact.  
“Fuck, Dana, please jus-” She moaned.  
“What?” Scully questioned.  
“Fuck me, please. Now. I need you down there.” Stella demanded and Scully obliged. She somehow manouevered herself into a position on her side. Stella hurridly pulled down her sweats and black lace panties. She turned around so her crotch was level with Scully’s mouth. Scully pulled Stella to her face, she dipped inside Stella, Scully’s tongue tasting Stella’s wetness.  
“Fuck…” Stella moaned as Scully ate her out. Scully went on. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.” Stella gasped out. Suddenly Scully drew away from Stella’s aching core and began to work on the area around it, fuck, Stella was so wet.  
“Dana… Please. I-I need to come.” Scully continued to work around the intended target until Stella’s nerves felt as though they were on fire with the amazing sensation of Scully’s tongue. As Stella’s body began to tense Scully went back to her core, sinking her tongue back inside. Tasting her. Feeling Stella’s body tense around her as she came in her mouth.  
“Fuck!” Stella screamed. Scully drew away and Stella collapsed in a post orgasmic bliss. The taste of Stella was still fresh on Scully’s lips as she licked them. Stella lazily opened her eyes.  
“That was amazing.” She stuttered out, her voice thick with remnants of her orgasm.  
“Thank you.” It wasn’t great. It was guilt sex. Sex for lying. Something faltered inside of Scully as she snapped back to reality. Why couldn’t she just come clean about this? What happened to simplicity?


	13. Beautiful Thing

You think that you know my heart  
And you probably do  
So I'm always with you  
I could stay with you for hours  
In an empty room  
And never get bored  
Never have nothing to do  
You're my other half  
You're what makes me me  
What makes me smile  
When I fall down and can't get back, get back, get back up  
On my feet

Weeks had passed and by now it was the height of Summer and Scully was finally getting her cast removed. They’d driven to the hospital and managed to find the room that Scully had to go to after a long search, they were barely on time. Scully watched silently as the nurse sawed off the cast. Maybe now she was finally getting her cast removed she could get over the feelings that she’d been hiding from Stella. Maybe. Hopefully. Stella was doing okay and had gone back to her therapist once, her nightmares though they were already less frequent since spending her nights with Scully were now practically non existent. Scully was happy. Soon she would be able to go back to work and she couldn’t wait to get back, to have something constructive to do daily, helping people instead of just sitting in the house. Stella would go back to work too, by now her Mark made injuries were nearly entirely healed, the only trace left of them was a few pale marks. First though, before going back to work, they were going to take a break. A proper break. A holiday for a couple of days in Edinburgh. Scully hadn’t been to Scotland before and Stella was eager to show her and since it was August the Edinburgh Festival would be on, so it was perfect. After the nurse finished removing Scully’s cast the care for her leg was gone over. Try not to walk on it for long periods of time at first, don’t do anything that could put it at risk and do these physio exercises. She would have to go to the physiotherapist once a month for the next few months too, just to keep tabs on her progress. Which was fine with Scully.

“So,” Stella said, as she turned the keys in her car’s ignition. “Now that you’re healed you won’t have to stay at my house anymore will you?” Scully bit her lip, she’d forgotten that fact.  
“I guess not…”  
“You’re probably sick of me anyway so a bit of space from me would be good for you.” Stella hadn’t meant to sound so harsh.  
“What do you mean Stella?” Scully asked, what was Stella talking about? Did she seriously think that Scully didn’t like living with her? That it was tiresome, boring, stressful?  
“Well, you see me everyday, every night, you wake up with me you go to sleep with me, you listen to me say the same things everyday. Does that not bore you?”  
“Stella, you could never bore me. I love listening to you, I love living with you. What even would I do on my own? All I ever did before I met you was eat, sleep, work repeat. I didn’t have the time or the energy to do anything else but with you Stella, and I know the circumstances are different to when I was alone, with you Stella my days are filled with love and happiness instead of just a continuous meaningless circle.” Scully said and she meant it. She was stuck without Stella, sure she loved her work but she had no time for anything else. Her work was her life and she knew Stella was the same.  
“So does that mean you want to stay with me then?” Stella asked, her voice hesitant. Scully thought about it, she knew it wasn’t rational to be doing this but yes, she wanted to stay with Stella, she wouldn’t move in entirely but she wanted to stay with her, she wanted to be with Stella.  
“Yes, I would. I would like to stay with you, Stella if that would be okay.” Stella said nothing, she just reached for Scully’s hand and held it on the dashboard. A silent confirmation. Yes, she did, she wanted Scully to stay with her.  
“When we get home, should we book our hotel for Scotland?” Scully asked, the word home feeling strange in her mouth. Stella. Home. Not Stella’s house. Stella’s house was just a house not really a home. Stella was a home, Stella in that house was home. For on her own, the house was alien and strange but with Stella it was warm and welcoming, a cocoon of comfort.  
“Yes, I would.” Stella said, the first words since Scully had said she would like to stay.  
“Okay, that’s great.” Scully squeezed Stella’s hand in hers. “I love you, you know.” Scully said.  
“I know you do, because darling, I love you back just the same.” Stella said, her words like the script to an old romance film, twirling and curling off the page, delivered in a voice sweet as honey and sharp as a blade. Scully giggled giddily at Stella’s proclamation, a warmth raising inside of her.

“Stella what should I pack?” Scully asked, leaning over her open but rather empty suitcase. They were at Scully’s own flat, going through her clothes trying to find some fancier things than what she’d been wearing at Stella’s for the last few weeks.  
“I’m not sure darling.” Stella said as she looked through Scully’s wardrobe. She had some truly beautiful dresses and Stella wished she could see Scully in anyone of them, though she doubted that she would. Right at the back of Scully’s closet, another beautiful dress hung, not much unlike any of the others but this one had caught Stella’s attention specifically. She took it off the hanger and held it up in front of her. It looked expensive, skin tight, it was navy blue, just bordering on black, silk paired with lace accents.  
“You should take this.” Stella said as she held up the dress, it’s material light and slippery in her hands. Scully turned around to look.  
“Oh, no way.” She said.  
“What?”  
“I wore that at my brother’s wedding, it’s not something I would wear for anything other than a wedding.”  
“But it’s beautiful.”  
“It may be beautiful but it’s too formal. I wore it once, that’s it and anyway, I only picked that one to annoy Bill anyway.”  
“What do you mean?” How could even just a dress annoy Scully’s brother?  
“Well you know how Bill is from what I’ve told you about him, right?” Stella nodded, Scully had told her a lot of stories about Bill and his beliefs. “Well, he isn’t exactly a fan of things that are tight like that on a lady, that show off her body.” Jesus Christ, Scully’s brother really was an idiot, Stella thought. “So I wore it to show myself off just to annoy him. Anyway even if I wanted to wear it, I probably couldn’t fit into it anymore. I gained weight since I haven’t been on my feet nearly as much as usual.”  
“Please just try it on, even if you don’t bring it I would like to see you in it just once.”  
“Okay, fine!” Scully said, faking annoyance. She didn’t really mind showing Stella just this once. Stella placed the dress down on the bed and Scully took off her top and bottoms, standing in her room for a moment only wearing underwear and socks. Scully unbuttoned the dress and stepped into it, pulling it up around her body, it moulded to her curves, she put her arms through the short cap sleeves.  
“Can you get the buttons, please Stella?””  
“Of course.” Stella said, walking behind Scully, slowly she buttoned the five buttons that went up her back in a uniform line. For a moment she struggled to button the final one but as she finished the top button, she leant into Scully’s neck, softly kissing the gentle curve of her trapezius. She stopped and stepped away from Scully, walking so they were facing each other. Stella took a breath. Scully was absolutely gorgeous. The way the top of the dress clung to the contour of her waist and the curves of her boobs, the subtle suggestion of cleavage from the Queen Anne neckline and the long silk skirt that clung to her legs then flared out into a fishtail that ended just above her ankle. She was absolutely breathtaking.  
“You’re beautiful.” Stella whispered, her words barely audible. She’d never felt like this before, completely overwhelmed by the beauty of the woman standing in front of her.  
“What?” Scully asked, her voice quiet to match Stella’s.  
“I said, you’re beautiful.” Stella’s voice shook.  
“Oh. Thank you.” Scully blushed and looked down, feeling like she’d just been given a compliment by her crush. Stella reached out for her, resting her hand on the side of Scully’s face, running it over her cheek, hovering with one finger on Scully’s lips. She leaned in to kiss her, feeling the softness of Scully’s lips touching hers, feeling her teeth ever so slightly sink into Scully’s bottom lip, the tenderness of Scully’s hand on the small of her back. It was perfect. Everything about this moment was perfect. It wasn’t unlike the first kiss of a newly wedded couple, how special that moment was. Stella’s other hand touched the back of Scully’s neck before climbing up and fixing itself in her auburn hair. The kiss broke and their foreheads met, a moment of quiet as they stayed in that position. The most sacred of intimacy was then. Not sex, not seeing each other cry, not even seeing each other naked, for they were completely bare to each other in that one loving moment, their love static between each other and in blissful comfort, they were at peace. Stella leaned in and kissed Scully again, just a small peck on the corner of her mouth but it was tender and again perfect.  
“I really do love you.” Stella said, quietly. “I know I keep saying it, but I do. I love you so, Dana Katherine Scully. I loved no one like this before you came into my life. I would never say “I love you” to anyone but you.”  
“Stella, how do you do this? How are you so strong and so loving in this world were we’re stuck in these shitty, shitty situations?”  
“Because I have you and I’ve been through worse. I’ve been through death, I’ve been through my own mother’s alcoholism, I’ve been through feeling like I have no purpose. Though now with you… You make me stronger, you make me stronger than I could be on my own but you are my downfall too, I will do anything for you, for us.”  
“I love you, Stella.”  
“I know. Now get out of that dress.” Stella said stepping away from Scully. “Get out of that dress so I can love you, so I can touch you and watch you become undone.”


	14. Wish I Knew You

I wish I knew you when I was young  
We could've got so high  
Now we're here it's been so long  
Two strangers in the bright lights  
Oh I hope you don't mind  
We can share my mood yeah  
Two strangers in the bright lights  
I wish I knew you  
I wish I knew you  
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

Truth, it's all that you need  
You bury that seed  
It's everything beautiful  
And that sound comes from the underground  
It's all inside you now  
It's everything beautiful

The next morning Stella and Scully were in the airport waiting for their flight to Edinburgh, it was 10:00 in the morning but the flight wasn’t until midday, they were yet to check in but would soon. Earlier they’d picked up coffee from Starbucks and Stella was waiting for Scully to finish drinking hers, Stella had had a double Espresso and Scully a caramel macchiato with almond milk. Scully rarely went to Starbucks but when she did she nearly always ordered the same thing.  
“I can’t believe we’re doing this.”  
“What?”  
“This,” Scully said, gesturing to their surroundings. “I’ve never been on holiday with a partner before. It’s a foreign concept.”  
“Well neither have I, so it’s a new experience for the both of us then… I thought you would have done something like this before, you seem the type.”  
“No, never, my past relationships haven’t been the most… Normal. I never had time to go nor did I want to go away anyway, but that’s changed now.” Scully said, taking a long last sip of her coffee. “How about we go get checked in now?” She said, stopping the conversation.  
“Of course.” Stella replied, they stood up and Scully dropped her paper coffee cup in the bin, it fell with a satisfying “thud”.

About two hours later they were sitting in the plane, Stella in the window seat and Scully in middle seat, they had the luck to have no one was sitting with them. They’d gotten checked in fine and it was only a short flight anyway about an hour and a half, give or take a few minutes. The safety regulations were gone through and the plane began to take off. Stella watched out the window, the pain in her ears from the pressure change not too strong. Stella turned to look at Scully, her face hidden behind her curtain of ginger hair.  
“Dana, are you okay?” Stella said, laying her hand on top of Scully’s which was clenching the arm of the seat. Scully turned to look at Stella, her eyes were wet with unfallen tears.  
“I forgot how much I hate flying.” Scully said, her words barely audible, it had been a long time since she had last been on a plane.  
“Sh, sh, baby it’s okay it’s not that long.” Stella said, squeezing her hand.  
“I know… I know but…”  
“It’s okay, Dana, I’ll keep you safe. You’re okay, darling.” Scully’s chin wobbled, trying not to cry.  
“I’m, I’m sorry Stella, I don’t mean… To be like this… I just…” Scully said punctuating her sentence with deep breaths, trying to quench her panic.  
“Darling…” Stella said, her thumb brushing the back of Scully’s hand. “It’s going to be okay. I used to hate flying when I was a child, the pain in my ears from the pressure changes that came from going up and coming back down seemed so bad to me that I cried every time. I was terrified too that something bad would happen, even though I knew, rationally it wouldn’t, so Dana, it’s okay. We’re going to be okay.” Stella said, it hurt to see Scully so scared.  
“Thank you, Stella.” Scully managed to stutter out. She moved her hand to hold Stella’s properly, she held onto it tightly.  
“That’s okay.”  
“When was the last time you were on a plane? I try to use planes as little as possible because of well, this, but if i’m going to see my family I have to get a plane, though then I have no one with me so I just bottle this up.” Scully said, a slight smile playing at her lips, she was happy to be there with Stella. A stray tear ran down her cheek but she quickly brushed it away.  
“The last time I was on a plane?” Stella thought for a moment... “The, uh, last time I was on a plane would have been when I came back to London from, uh, Belfast after the uh, Spector case…”  
“Oh, Stella, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I know how much it hurts you, having to talk about that whole ordeal.”  
“No, it’s fine, you just asked me a simple question and it happened to have that answer. Not your fault, you weren’t to know.”  
“Still though…”  
“Really, it’s okay, don’t beat yourself up about it.”  
“Okay.” Silence.  
“Sorry.”  
“Stell, you didn’t do anything.” Scully said.  
“I know.” Stella said her tone apprehensive. Scully just squeezed her hand, now that they were properly in the air, Scully wasn’t as frightened anymore. She watched Stella, looking out the window, the small rays of midday light catching in her hair making it look even blonder, almost translucent. Scully loved Stella’s hair, the platinum blonde bleach of it that needed redone, her roots were getting longer, dark brown and grey. Scully thought they were beautiful, Stella’s grey roots, they weren’t too obvious against the blonde but she liked it. She wasn’t sure why.  
“Stella?”  
“Yes?” Stella replied, her voice a little croaky, she coughed.  
“When did you start dyeing your hair?” Scully didn’t want to make Stella uncomfortable so she smiled at her.  
“How did you know I dye my hair?” Stella said, she knew she was denying what was clearly obvious.  
“It’s undeniable, Stella, I can see your roots, the brown and the grey.” Stella flinched, Scully had struck a nerve.  
“Stella, sorry I shouldn’t have said that, I’m being really rather insensitive today aren’t I?” Scully laughed awkwardly.  
“No, again, it’s okay. We all age, even if we don’t want to, even if we hide it, we still age, it’s how the world works, it’s how the human body works. Everyone gets older all the time, until the day they die.” Stella looked at the back of the seat in front of her, the grey faux leather and the folded up flip down table. “I’ve been dying my hair for years, I’ve always hated my brown hair and… I started going grey early. Not completely, as you can see but at my temples and in my hairline, was where it started and hasn’t spread that much, which is good. I was only 32. I’m lucky that i’m not completely grey.”  
“Well I think it’s beautiful.”  
“What?” Stella said, trying to hide her shock.  
“I love your grey roots, I don’t know why but they somehow add to your beauty… I don’t know, maybe it’s because they make you look more… Mature.”  
“Oh, well, uh thank you…” Stella blushed. She didn’t understand why Scully liked her greyness but it made her feel better about it, like it wasn’t something to be feared.  
“What I really want to know though, Stella,” Scully said, deviating from the aging talk, “is, did you ever dye it any other colour than blonde?”  
“Yes… When I was young, when I was still in school I dyed it a lot of different colours, purple, blue, green, pink, red, like yours. I’m pretty sure my hair has been through every colour in the rainbow. Naturally and unnaturally.”  
“I can’t believe you were like that, Stella, I couldn’t even imagine you with any other hair colour than what you have now.” Scully smiled.  
“”Like that”, what do you mean “like that”?” Stella was toying with Scully.  
“Well, I mean not “like that” not in a bad way, I mean I did the same stuff.”  
“YOU, did the same stuff?” Stella raised an eyebrow.  
“I mean yeah, I did all kinds of stuff, I dyed my hair, I shaved half my head, heck I even had my nose pierced!”  
“So you’re telling me, that you, Dana Scully used to be a punk?” Stella grinned.  
“Maybe… Yes.”  
“Wow! Wow! Okay, tell me what you got up to in high school, I really want to hear it, I wonder what you were like...”  
“Stella…”  
“No, really! I would definitely like to know!”  
“It was actually in college, well, mostly.”  
“Okay, tell me what happened in COLLEGE then.”  
“Well… Okay. I was rebellious, I was always top of my class but I didn’t fit in with a lot of the other people there. As I said I dyed my hair a lot I had a pierced nose. The people I hung out with were what you would probably call dodgy, we did a lot of stupid things to be honest but it was fun then. We got drunk a lot, I fucked around, I smoked, I did drugs. It wasn’t the best scene but I liked the people. I always wanted to rebel from my parents, I guess. They took me moving to London as an act of rebellion too.”  
“Wow, I really didn’t think you’d be the type.”  
“Well okay, tell me what you did then.” As Scully was asking a flight attendant appeared.  
“Anyone want anything from the trolley?”  
“No, we’re okay, thank you.” Stella said waiting for the flight attendant to move on.  
“So anyway, Stella what did you get up to?”  
“I mean I was pretty similar to you but in high school. Though I didn’t have many friends, just people I hung out with, I was obsessed with my studies but when I wasn’t doing work I was out with people, who were idiots. Drinking underage, smoking, you name it I probably did it at least once.” She paused, “I lost my virginity when I was fourteen. To an older boy, it was awful. We did it in his parent’s bedroom. I barely knew him. I was just at his party and had only met him a couple of times before that.”  
“Oh, Stella, I’m sorry.” Scully said, empathetic.  
“Why are you sorry? Was I too young? Was it inappropriate? What?” Stella snapped at her, defensive.  
“It’s just…”  
“Well I’m not exactly happy that it happened that way either, that’s not how I wanted my first time to be like, at all.”  
“Stella, could you be just a bit quieter? People are looking at us.” Scully grimaced and gave apologetic half smiles to the people looking at them.  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have burst out like that. I just regret it. But then again, I regret a lot of things I did when I was young.”  
“Doesn’t everyone?” Scully replied, her voice soft. “Do you want to know how I lost mine?”  
“How?”  
“I guess it was similar to you, that’s why I feel bad I guess. It was in the back of a car behind a bowling alley in Virginia. I was on holiday with my parents when I was fifteen and I snuck out at night and met some people. One of the guys, Richard, I think his name was, thought I was hot so we were a little drunk and a little high so we did it in the back of his car. It was okay, I never saw him again.”  
“I wish I knew you when we were young.”  
“I do too. But we’re here now and that’s all that matters.”

About half an hour or so later they touched down at Edinburgh airport. It was a nice warm day, the sun high in the early afternoon sky. Once they had all their luggage and left the airport they got on a tram to the centre of town. It was hot in the tram but not stiflingly so nor was it too cramped. They both had a suitcase each though had brought no hand luggage and decided after they got off the bus it would be easier to just get a taxi to the AirBNB they’d picked out which happened to be near the beach. After about an hour of travel plus the hour and a half flight they finally arrived at the AirBNB at about 3:30pm.  
“So how do we open the door?” Stella said, trying the golden door handle.  
“I think we have to get the key out of that little box.” Scully said, looking at the codelocked box drilled onto the wall next to the door.  
“And how do we do that?”  
“The owner emailed me the passcode.” Scully said taking her phone out of her pocket. “If I can find it…” She was silent for a moment. “The code’s 1968.”  
“Say it again?” Stella said, her hand hovering over the combination lock on the box.  
“One.”  
“Okay.”  
“Nine.”  
“Okay.”  
“Six.”  
“Okay.”  
“Eight.”  
“Okay.”  
“That’s it.” Scully said as Stella cracked the code and opened the box, taking the key from it. She unlocked the door and they were let inside. The hallway was painted white, the floor made of oak coloured hardwood. Scully hovered behind Stella. Stella walked along the hallway, opening the doors along it, toilet, living room, kitchen. At the end of the corridor was a small flight of stairs, that led up to the second floor. Stella maneouvred her suitcase up the stairs and Scully followed suit. There were two doors, a utility closet and the bedroom. Stella went into the bedroom and left her suitcase at the foot of the bed, she went over to the other door in the room and opened it to find their en suite bathroom, downstairs was just a toilet but this one was rather sizeable, there was a pearly white bath that also came equiped with a shower and a cupboard for toiletries as well as another toilet and sink.  
“Stella come and look over here.” Scully said, Stella turned to see her looking out the bedroom window. She walked over to Scully and wrapped her arms around her waist resting her head on Scully’s shoulder.  
“What, darling?”  
“Look out the window.” Stella took her attention to the window, she dropped her arms from Scully and went to look out of it properly. Stella could see the sea, over a few rooftops.  
“I didn’t know we were so close to the sea.”  
“Neither did I, but I guess we are, it helps that we’re on a hill too, lets us see more than if we weren’t.”  
“Yes.” Stella said, still looking out the window.  
“I think we should probably get unpacked now, then maybe we can go grab some food somewhere.”  
“Alright.” Stella said, turning around to face Scully, as she walked past to get to her suitcase, Scully grabbed her and took her into a hug.  
“We deserve this, Stella.” She said, into Stella’s hair.  
“We do.” Scully drew away from Stella and looked into her beautiful cornflower blue eyes, before taking her into a soft kiss. Stella broke the kiss. “We really do deserve this.”


	15. I Know But I Don't Know

I could but I won't be  
You can but not with me  
It's all a mystery  
We're locked out without a key

Now I know, I don't know  
Now I see but I don't know  
I care but I don't care  
I know but I don't know

Now I know that you don't know  
And I see that you don't see  
I care but I don't care  
I don't care that you don't know

 

The bar, which was not nearly as classy as the places Stella normally frequented (it was called The Tiki Lounge, after all) was packed with festival goers, loud chatter and music filled the air, Stella waited as Scully bought their second round of drinks at the bar. Stella watched the people around her, many drunk even though it was only 6 in the evening, practically everyone was in various stages of drunkeness apart from a select few that Stella had noticed were either with dates or with groups of friends, the person they were on a date with drinking alcohol and the friend groups completely plastered.  
“Stella?” Stella whipped her head around to see a red headed woman standing next to a shorter blonde woman.  
“Ferrin- Dani?”  
“It is you, I didn’t think I would see you again.This is a surprise.” The blonde tapped Dani’s arm and went to the bathrooms. Stella could tell Dani was slightly tipsy, she’d probably had a drink or two.  
“I didn’t think I would see you either, what a pleasant surprise.” Stella smiled. “You can sit down if you like.” Stella said.  
“Just for a moment.” Dani said, her irish accent cleary different to the other chatter. “Are you here with someone?”  
“Yes, she’s getting drinks.” Dani noticed the “she” and swallowed, so she had had a chance back in Northern Ireland? No, no that’s absurd, she thought, it’s probably just a friend.  
“How come you’re here?” Dani said just as another redhead now reappeared. Scully stood over the table.  
“Hello.” She said sitting down next to Stella with their drinks.  
“Hello, are you Stella’s friend?” Scully raised an eyebrow at the word “friend”.  
“No i’m actually her gir-”  
“This is Dana Scully, Dani, Dana, this is Dani Ferrington,” Stella said with a smile, “I worked with her briefly in Northern Ireland.”  
“Oh, nice to meet you.” Scully said, sarcasm clear she took a sip of her beer.  
“Nice to meet you, too. I’m sorry if i’m encroaching on you two’s time, I’ll go now.” Dani said, preparing to leave the table.  
“No, no I insist you stay even if just for one drink.”  
“Yes but I’m with someone.”  
“I know, so am I. You two can sit with us.” Stella said but Scully sighed.  
“If it’s not any problem?”  
“Of course it’s not.” Dani smiled at Stella and sat back down. An awkward silence filled the atmosphere as Stella sipped her drink. “So what’ve you been up to since I left you, Dani?”  
“Oh, well just the average stuff that comes with police work, you know.” Dani said, god, she wished her life sounded more interesting.  
“Yes, I do, very well. Meet anyone interesting?”  
“Well not really, the last interesting person I met was yo-”  
“Oh well, that’s too bad. How about that woman you’re with, are you dating?”  
“No, and I’m not sure, I only met her today. I only agreed to go for a drink with her because she seemed… Well… That doesn’t matter.” Dani tried to hide the fact that she’d really only asked her out because she reminded her of Stella.  
“She seemed what?”  
“Well, uhm, like she gets what she wants.” Dani’s gaze fell away from Stella’s, Scully shifted in her seat. She felt that something had happened between Stella and Dani. That they’d fucked or maybe not even that. At least there had been some tension between them if nothing had happened.  
“Oh, really.” Stella said, staring Dani down.  
“Yes…” Dani said, looking around for her date. “Have you been seeing… Actually no, that’s a stupid question I don’t need to know about that you’re my superior.” She began to rush her words, a scarlet blush creeping up her cheeks, the bright blue lights of the bar hiding it.  
“Well, I’m not your superior anymore, Dani.” Stella said, her words coming out slowly, as though she was leading her on. Scully pursed her lips, how could Stella be doing this while she was sitting right there.  
“Well, yes, okay. Have you been seeing anyone?”  
“Are you flirting with me?” Stella paused and smirked. Scully blushed, uncomfortable. “For a matter of fact, yes, I am seeing someone.”  
“Really? If you don’t mind me asking, who?”  
“Well isn’t it rather obvious?” Suddenly realisation hit Dani and she realised her mistake.  
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean… Dana, I’m sorry I didn’t realise. I didn’t know you were…”  
“Yes, yes I am Dani, it’s fine. You didn’t know.”  
“Deepest apologies, Ma’am.”  
“Dani, this isn’t work. I don’t even work with you anymore, drop the formalities.”  
“Of course, sorry Stella, I’m just a bit asha-” At that moment Dani’s date appeared.  
“Dani, could we go somewhere else?” Dani’s face fell a little but she stood up.  
“Sorry, we really should be going now, I’ll see you another time, maybe.”  
“Perhaps.” Stella said and took a sip of her whisky, the taste warm and medicinal on her tongue. She watched as Dani went away, but abruptly stood up and ran over to her, making Scully even more livid than she had been before. “If it’s not too much, could I get your number?” Stella said, Dani’s mouth agape.  
“Oh yes, sure, just let me… Uh.... Give me your phone?” Dani stuttered, she couldn’t believe what was happening.  
“Of course.” Stella said, handing Dani her phone as they stood in the midst of the chaos of the bar. “There you go, Stella.” She said, the word lingering on her lips. “I’ll see you later, alright?”  
“Alright.” Stella said, turning away to go back to her and Scully’s seats. She sat back down and was met with a scowling Scully.  
“What the fuck was that, Stella?” Scully’s anger was palpable.  
“I’m sorry, I haven’t seen her for a long time.”  
“You were flirting with her.” Guilt surfaced.  
“I’m sorry, Dana.”  
“Sure.” Scully said sipping her drink.  
“Look, it’s a bad habit and I shouldn’t do it but I kind of enjoy, making people want me. Since I haven’t really had that many relationships, I’ve always been allowed to flirt with whoever I wanted to. And I did because I know that people think I’m well, to put it bluntly, people think I’m hot.”  
“You are so full of yourself!”  
“I’m sorry, I know it’s not a viable excuse but with Dani, it’s different. When we worked together she liked me and I knew she liked me but neither of us did anything about it. I like her as a friend and I won’t do that again, I promise. I would never cheat on you, I’ve never cheated on anyone and I especially wouldn’t to you, so I’m sorry for acting that way tonight. You don’t have to forgive me but… I’d like to apologise.” Stella never spoke so plainly or openly, this was a first.  
“Okay. I get it so, you and Dani had some lets say, chemistry, didn’t do anything about it and now when you saw her and she’s still obviously smitten with you, you flirt with her, while I’m sitting right here. When she still likes you.”  
“Well… Yes. I shouldn’t have but I did and I won’t do it again. It was an awful thing to do.” Stella could barely believe she was submitting like this, but what Scully was saying was fair, she shouldn’t have done that, not when Scully was there, or when she wasn’t. This was a relationship, a romantic relationship. What she had done was wrong. She should have been upfront with Dani.  
“Do you promise, Stella?” Scully asked and looked back up at Stella.  
“I promise.” And she did, she did promise, completely, she didn’t want to make Scully feel unwanted or the worse choice of people she could because she was amazing and didn’t deserve that. Ever. Scully was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she couldn’t mess that up. She just couldn’t.  
“Okay.” Nothing else, just an “okay” then silence.

They lay in bed, next to each other, the bedside lights on, neither of them attempting sleep just lying side by side, Stella on her back, Scully on her, side, facing away from Stella. Stella hadn’t bothered to bring her dream journal as it had been a long time since she’d had a bad enough dream to need to write it down but if she did, just in case, she’d put a piece of paper and a pen in her bedside table. Stella listened to the seagulls squawking outside the window, wondering if either of them would ever get to sleep.  
“Did nothing really happen between you two?” Scully said, her voice loud in the semi quiet room.   
“Nothing happened. Why are you still on this?” All that Scully had wanted to talk about after Stella’s flirting and subsequent apology was Dani. All the rest of the night she’d asked questions, through drinks, through dinner, through the journey back to the house. Dani, Dani, Dani.  
“God, I’m sorry, I’m being horribly invasive. I really should stop talking.”  
“Yes, you are, look, Dana, I apologised, why do you even want to know so much?”  
“I guess I just don’t want you to go off with her? I’m just being insecure, I sound manipulative, I need to shut up.”  
“Look at me,” Stella said and Scully turned over to look at Stella, leaning on the bed, her elbow sinking into the mattress. “I would never dump you or cheat on you, not for her, not for fucking Cate Blanchett, okay? I would never hurt you like that. I could never hurt you in anyway. If I did, it would kill me. You’re perfect for me and you’ve done more for me than anyone ever has, dead or alive. You are a daily gift even if you get on my nerves sometimes, but doesn’t everyone get on everyone’s nerves sometimes?” Scully smiled in the warm yellow light.  
“Okay, I believe you. I would never hurt you either.” Stella pondered the statement for a moment and smiled. She pulled Scully in for a kiss, sliding her hands around Scully’s waist.  
“I believe you, too.” Stella whispered, the words seemingly loud in the new silence. No other sounds apart from her words, no seagulls, no traffic, nothing. The words “I believe you” hovered in the air, weighty, almost suffocating. Then plunged into darkness as she switched the light. An uneasiness swallowed Stella. Were any of either of their words sincere or were they just saying them to make themselves and in turn the other person feel better? She swallowed and shuffled closer to Scully, there bodies pressed entirely against eachother. God she hoped this was real.


	16. Fix You

When you are too in love to let it show   
Oh but if you never try you'll never know   
Just what you're worth  
Lights will guide you home   
And ignite your bones   
And I will try to fix you  
Tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
oh and tears come streaming down your face  
And I  
Tears streaming down your face  
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes  
oh and the tears streaming down your face  
And I

She wakes with a craving to cut. Lying in bed her arms tingling as though electricity was coursing through them, fizzing and popping. She turned over to look at Scully who was sound asleep, her brow furrowed slightly and her mouth open, a trickle of drool crawling down her chin. The digital clock on the nightstand read 3:46. Stella touched her bare left arm, feeling the raised scars, running her hand over them, her breathing quickened. Why now? Why after so long did she want this? This was different to the incident with Scully. Waking in the middle of the night with a craving. She let her hand travel to her legs and touch the scars on her thighs underneath her white lace camisole. As she touched the scars she felt a phantom sting as though she’d cut herself then and there. She silently got out of bed and padded through to the kitchen, her bare feet cold, she switched the light on and began to look through the drawers. A sharp knife, probably used for chopping vegetables. She picked it up and shut the drawer. She quietly pulled out and sat down in a chair at the kitchen table. She contemplated the shine of the knife in the artificial light, it’s sharp metal curve. She looked down and swallowed. Was she really going to do this? Again? A voice in her head yelled insults. “You’re just like Mark said, completely fucking useless.” “Dana hates you you aren’t worthy to be her girlfriend, she doesn’t actually love you, why would anyone ever love you?” “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Stella gripped the handle of the knife, her knuckles turning white and took it to her thigh. She dipped the tip into her leg, just underneath a scar, the skin splitting and a bead of shining red blood appearing. She sighed at the pain and brought the knife point across her thigh, leaving a line that began to fill with blood, she watched the red droplets disperse across the wound and cut another one, just under it and watched again. She cursed quietly before getting up to wash the knife, still gripping the handle tight, the craving only partly gone, but she just couldn’t. Her hands shook. She couldn’t let herself do more. She listened as the water hit the knife and spluttered into sink. She got a drying cloth from a cupboard and made sure the knife was completely clean before putting it away. It fell with a clatter into the drawer and she flinched at the noise, willing it not to wake Scully. Now she would have to find something to clean her wounds with. She went into the small downstairs bathroom and checked in the cupboard for antiseptic, which she doubted there would be but there was three quarters of a bottle of Dettol. She began to fill the sink with water and went back through to the kitchen to grab a few sheets of kitchen roll. There may have been antiseptic but there was no cotton wool, she could do without. She came back to the sink nearly overflowing and rushed to turn off the taps, the hot water almost scalding but not quite. She let a little water out, which gurgled loudly in the drain and poured a capful of Dettol into the hot water. She dipped the kitchen roll in the mixture, it soaked up the liquid and she sat down on the closed toilet and held the paper to her first wound, the blood from the cut was soaked into the wet kitchen roll, the wound stung from the Dettol but she was used to the pain. She cleaned both wounds and then lightly patted them dry, the bleeding stopped. A single drop of blood had soaked into the hem of her camisole, the red obvious against the incredible whiteness of the material. Stella touched the blood droplet, it was already dry and didn’t bleed onto her finger at all. She sighed and stood up, letting the sink drain, the water gurgling again as it filtered out. Stella swore she heard movement somewhere and froze, a panic in her eyes. Scully couldn’t see her like this. Stella looked down and realized the bottom cut was below the hem of her camisole. She listened and heard feet travel downstairs, heard Scully open the door to the kitchen where she’d stupidly left the light on and call out “Stella?” Stella stayed silent, her breath caught in her throat. Scully would be able to see the light coming from under the bathroom door, would come in and see the Dettol, the kitchen roll covered with a pattern of blood in dots and blobs. Stella looked at the kitchen roll on the edge of the sink and reached out to pick it up but before she could, Scully opened the door. Stella was frozen, a fox in headlights, one hand hovering in mid air vaguely in the direction of the sink and the other limp at her side.  
“You know we have our own ba-” Scully quickly noticed the look on Stella’s face, how frozen she was, the fear in her expression, then her eyes travelled down to the scarlet cut on her thigh, it’s redness hostile in the otherwise neutrally coloured room. She saw the bottle of Dettol, it’s white cap set down next to it, the kitchen roll balled up on the sink spotted with blood.  
“Stella…” Scully said, her voice quite, tender.  
“Dana, it’s not what you think.” Stella stuttered, her voice strangely squeaky as though it was trapped in her throat and she was forcing the words out of it.  
“We both know that’s not true.” Scully took a step towards Stella and put out her hands for Stella to take. Stella flinched away. Scully met her eyes and Stella took a breath, she hesitated and then took them, Scully brushed her thumb across the back of Stella’s hand. “You’re okay, Stel, you’re okay.” Stella shivered at Scully calling her Stel, she loved it when she did. No one else had ever called her that and she didn’t think she would like it but she did, she really did. But it felt so out of place in this moment. In this situation. Her nickname was for soft nights, lounging about at home. Not for this. Stella stayed silent and Scully dropped her hands, tears pricked Stella’s eyes for a second before she was brought into a warm hug. The two of them swayed in the fluorescent light, Stella’s face buried in Scully’s shoulder. She began to cry, silent wet tears, running down her face, leaving a wet patch on Scully’s pyjama top.  
“I was so worried, I didn’t know where you went, logically I thought you’d probably just woken up and wanted some water because you couldn’t sleep but I never expected…” Scully’s words hitched in her throat and Stella tensed.   
“Dana, I’m sorry.”  
“No, Stella, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry if I did something that made you want to do that, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Stella.” Scully tightened her grip around Stella.  
“It’s not your fault, I don’t know what got into me. I just, I woke up and I had the craving and…. I did it, I don’t know why. I shouldn’t have fucking done that. It was so strange. I hadn’t had that feeling for such along time.” Stella sniffled.  
“It’s okay, it’s okay, Stella you’re okay.” Scully kissed Stella’s neck, softly, her lips ghosting the soft skin. Stella sunk into the feeling but quickly surfaced again and nudged Scully away.  
“Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?” Scully said and looked at Stella, her face concerned, her steely blue eyes penetrating Stella’s thoughts.  
“Take me to bed.” Stella said, her words coming out exhausted as though she’d walked ten miles and not gotten to bed until midnight the same day. The kind of all encompassing fatigue that consumed you. Aching and tiredness.  
“Alright, alright.” Scully spoke softly, as though she was comforting a child or a pet. Stella welcomed the warmth and laced her fingers through Scully’s. Scully led her upstairs, her face tilted, ashamed to the floor, a tear dropping onto the carpet every couple of steps. They went into the bedroom and slid back under the covers, Scully staying a small distance away from Stella because she knew that sometimes if she was upset she didn’t want to be touched.  
“Is there anything else I can do Stella?” Scully said, her voice quiet, talking to the back of Stella’s head. Tears began to well in Stella’s eyes again, her emotions finally completely taken over. Her dignity gone, just want, she just wanted comfort. Safety.  
“Hold me.” A vulnerability that Scully had never heard from Stella surfaced in the simple sentence of “hold me.” as though it was something that was forbidden, that Stella had never been allowed to ask. Feeling piqued in Scully’s chest and she felt tears well in her eyes for Stella.  
“Okay.” She stammered, shuffling close to Stella like she had earlier that night but this time it was different. She wrapped her arms around Stella and Stella held her hand, the warm weight of Scully’s body leant against her, her soft breaths tickling Stella’s neck.  
“Thank you.” Stella whispered and kissed the back of Scully’s hand. An early dawn light had began to filter through into the room, the sky now navy instead of black. She sighed into Scully’s embrace. Scully kissed the nape of her neck and Stella smiled a world weary smile. The wounds on her legs stung, the rough material of the duvet cover aggravating the feeling. Scully stopped kissing her and mumbled “I think we both need to get some sleep now.” Stella hummed an agreement.  
“Can I say one thing before we do?” Stella asked.  
“Of course, Stel.” Scully said, her voice as warm and soft as a blanket, a safety net.  
“I love you.” Stella said, a tear running down her cheek.  
“I love you too, my darling. I love you so much.”


End file.
